The Greatest Gift

Christmas is the season when you buy this years gift with next years money. Some of you went so all out this year that you already owe money next year. Some call it love, I call it foolishness. A positive attitude is great gift. I wouldn’t knock it off. Though it may not solve all your problems it will annoy people enough to make it worth the effort. Spoil her with gifts so she has no clue how much you’re worth until you’re married. Then it’s too late. Both of you now spend the rest of the marriage hiding how much you’re worth from everyone else.

Life. They say God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I’m so far behind, I’m convinced I will never die. There are so many other priceless gifts. The gift of love. The gift of being/having a parent. The gift of friends. The gift of books. The gift of being able to poop on demand. The gift of debt. Being able to owe a lot of people and fall asleep as soon as my head touches my pillow is a rare gift. That being said, can all my debtors kindly pay up?

Labels. I hate labels, and I wear no labels. When a man has to put something around his neck and say I am, he isn’t. Who am I kidding? I love labels, I just can’t afford them. It’s better to get me a gift that’s not a label though. Why go through the effort of getting knock off brands when you can get a cheaper legitimate alternative? I won’t appreciate it if the alligator on the lacoste T-shirt you got me is in fact a hippo.

Some gifts are big. Others are small. But the ones that come from the heart are the lousiest gifts of all. My wife has made it her goal in life to only give me thoughtful gifts. What the hell was she doing giving me a ‘jar of things she likes about me’ for Christmas? I clearly asked for a PS5. She used to struggle with comprehension as a kid but still? At the end of the day, all you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. And glasses, I need to get a pair from spec-savers for the wife.

Guilt is the only gift that keeps on giving. If someone gives you a handmade present, they are not being cheap. Consider the time they spent finding the materials and making a unique special gift for you! They did it because they actually hate you deep down and it is their life’s mission to ruin the holidays for you. Punishing me with a sweater I will never wear after I got you a properly functioning toaster is such a terrible tradeoff. Next year you’re getting nothing.

Holidays. Adults can take a simple holiday from children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. Oh, it gets worse. Celebrities creating Instagram accounts to wish themselves a merry Christmas posing as their kid and going to reply with their own accounts is slightly more chaotic. We know it’s you behind both accounts, your son is two, he most definitely can’t type all that! Where does it end Robbie?

Luck. At my age, getting lucky is finding the car in the parking lot! People talk about cursed luck, but if it keeps happening, it stops being a coincidence. That’s why I’ve made it my life’s mission to make people’s lives slightly better. People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel. Now, if I’ve ever made you feel miserable

You’re welcome

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