Banter

Before You Get married

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Marriage is a conscious decision to find someone who supposedly gives you peace of mind, happiness and then committing to them. Right? Right? Wrong! It is finding that one person whose bullshit you’re willing to cope with for the rest of your life. FYI you’re free to quote me, I don’t have bags of experience to fall back on. Heck, I don’t even know anything about marriage, but educate you I must!

Anywho, before you do get married, there are a number of questions you need to ask your spouse to be. To hell with genotype tests and rhesus compatibility. All of that is irrelevant stuff in the grand scheme of things. I mean, all that “if you marry a cousin, your offspring will most likely have genetic disorders” is pure garbage and frankly baseless, right? By all means, do what makes you happy and keeps you out of jail.

Fellas, we have to ask the real questions. First of all, ask her what TV programs she enjoys? If she says Telemundo and Telenovela, I’ve got bad news for you chief! There’s no coming back to her.  There’s no way she’s going to juggle being an excellent wife and mother to your kids and watch that stuff. It just doesn’t mix. Your baby is sat there hungry and crying and the love of your life is dancing  Bharatanatyam in the sitting room. Tragic

Ladies, don’t ask him if he snores, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with snoring. The simple remedy is to buy earmuffs and you’re good. But, hear me out, if he farts in his sleep, by god you gotta reconsider the whole thing. I mean this man is trying to deprive you of life! Baby girl run! He can fart and the air conditioner stops functioning properly! What now?

Another important question which basically trumps the “kids or no kids” question is, “how do you like your plantain?” It will be difficult to comprehend the severity of this question till you’re in dire straits when you discover you’ve married a psychopath who loves overripe plantain and now your life is absolutely ruined. You can always get around the kids’ thing by adopting one, but you see this plantain issue, it has broken marriages. True story!

All the other stuff like peeing on the toilet seat, pressing the toothpaste from the middle or the tail end, and sleeping with the lights on or off are good shouts but there are bigger fish to fry. If your spouse-to-be prefers big onion slices rather than it being chopped into little bits,  you’re in for a horrible time. Imagine Jollof rice is served and the pieces of onion on your plate are bigger than the pieces of meat? Where do we go from here? My dear, please call your mother!

Last but not least on the ever-growing list “White or brown bread” Now be careful about what kind of bread your spouse-to-be likes. You know that brown part of bread you usually throw away, they might like it! Or the first slice, some people would kill for that slice. Shocking! More shocking is the fact that some people like burnt toast. The people at the bakery didn’t do justice to the bread, so you set it on fire?

We’re not quite finished here

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

116 comments

  1. As funny as this sounds , this is some scary stuff. How on earth Is she taking Telemundo as a hubby !!!! She even takes a step closer to “stupidity “ by having it downloaded on her phone and watching Em while I’m driving her to church . Hey sis there’s nowhere I’m not dropping you off . RABARABA!!!!

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  3. Lol this made me laugh! Although no marriage is perfect, what helped us along the journey of marriage was applying practical bible principles as mentioned at Ephesians 5:28, 29, 33 it shows how husbands and wives are to lovingly interact with each other. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

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  10. Very good point, Gottfried. :-) For me, I’ve got only two things to consider.
    One, you have to see that marriage is a full-time responsibility, including the child/ren if you wish to have them, and love does not go on autopilot once you sign the marriage contract. Two, before you get married you must be certain that you are willing to embrace everything about the person–all the weaknesses and shortcomings and poor habits, including the possibility that in the future they might leave you for someone else that makes them feel more alive and inspired. Of course, you have to consider the possibility too that you might accidentally marry a psychopath or sociopath, Godforbid. :-( So I think if your love for and connection with the other person is not deep enough to accept them as a whole package deal, it would be better not to marry him/her.

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  19. No matter how well you think you know a person, you’ll be in for many surprises. Sometimes you can tolerate them, and sometimes you have to run away. Sorry, but even compromise will not work in every situation.

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  23. Gottfried,
    This is really fantastic and educative .
    Seriously!the snoring part got me
    Laughing,good information .
    Marriage is lifetime,it’s all about understanding ,communication, perseverance etc.
    People need to know more about this before getting married.

    Liked by 3 people

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  24. Gottfried,
    This is really a fantastic and educative .
    Seriously!the snoring part got me
    Laughing,good information .
    Marriage is lifetime,it’s all about understanding ,communication, perseverance etc.
    People need to know more about this before getting married.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  34. Lol there’s always a solution to all these things. If he likes brown bread, no p, Our bread will be separate.It isn’t necessary to use the same toothpaste.Last last, we might have separate rooms (I really don’t want this).If he likes onions big or small, I got no p.If he loves soccer or something I don’t care for, no p. I don’t watch TV anyways.If he wants to go out with his friends, no p. Didn’t we have friends before we met??.And if he wants to bring them to the house, no p. I love to host people. It’s a major hobby for me.

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  37. Reading this post from the beginning I thought it is no good putting up with you has a marriage counselor but reading through, I discover it not really bad anywayz… Great and funny post… To be frank with you, I dislike men that snores and why must I put on ear muffs to sleep peacefully.. Can’t we just have a peaceful sleep without snoring… I mean I could put up with him snoring once in a while buy when it becomes an habit….. Excuse me, I am so going to ask him before marriage if he snores……I love brown bread…. 😀 there is this sweetness that comes out of it that makes it so different from white bread. .

    Liked by 4 people

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  44. That Telemundo part got me, the rate at which ladies watch that stuff now is very alarming. My spouse must wear juve or Madrid Jersey with me and rub my chest while I watch my match🤗

    Liked by 4 people

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