The Deceit of Virtual Conversations

Social media, for all the world of good it does, it has its cons. And frankly, in my opinion, it has laid the foundation on which the deceit that constitutes the fabric of today’s society resides. Here’s how.

People who use smiley faces when they are not even amused.

Person: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Person: Hatch

Me: Hatch who?

Person: Bless you!

I sit there and type: 😂😂😂😂😂😂, you’re so funny, you should be a stand-up comedian, you deserve your own show!

When my actual face is 😑

People who try to hold two conversations on different social media platforms. First of all, this only works if you’re both irredeemably invested in each other. Otherwise, it’s downright creepy. If she wasn’t into you when you sent a message on WhatsApp, there’s no point sending a message on Facebook messenger, it’s not the App, it’s you!

Individuals who start to date their dream person “in their heads”. If a person hypes all your selfies on your WhatsApp status update and Instagram story without shooting their shot, it’s less out of admiration of you and more because they recognize you’re ugly, sad and unloved. So what they’re doing is a basic civic responsibility to ensure suicide doesn’t cross your mind. Stay beautiful boo.

Those that lie to keep the conversation going. Say stuff like “Do you know thieves just came into my house right now?” Wow, amazing, incredible, sensational, hurrah! So what you’re saying is, rather than protect your hide, you’re busy texting me? Because I’m the police right? My friend, if you don’t leave foolishness alone.

Long Status updates. Some people sew threads with their status updates about completely unrelated things but act surprised when you tell them you’ve muted them. Like honey, there’s no way I’m going through over twenty updates, what happens at the end, I get a medal?

“You forgot me”. Well hello to you too, you do realize if you hit me up first, your finger wouldn’t wither away? If you were so eager to reach out to me or hear my voice, you could as well buy some airtime and do just that. The telephone works both ways.

“No you hang, no you hang up”. Your service provider is somewhere rubbing their palms together at the prospect of all the money they’ll make from you. Carry on, love is sweet.

Unsolicited video calls. You’re in the loo, trying to get the remnants of the “Okpa” you ate in the last quarter out of your system and voila, a contact you barely chat suddenly requests a video call with. First off, we barely talk, second of, I’m in the loo, and why must you see my face?

Friend requests. From personal experience, an individual sent a friend request on Facebook, I didn’t accept, for reasons best known to me. The same individual hopped over to my timeline and posted “Hi, please accept my request”.

I removed the post from my timeline. Later that evening, I’m having a chat with my old boy and he goes “Do you ignore messages sent to you?” Apparently, the aggrieved party had taken the battle to my doorstep. God “save” us.

What more can I say, the world is going to shit and it’s taking us all with it. So the next time you feel the urge to send someone a virtual message, think twice. In the iconic words of musical genius and dead beat sensation…

I’m Good Luv, enjoy!

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.