Banter

Think Like A Man

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Ladies listen up, I’m breaking the bro code to bring you first-hand information on all the things your man/spouse/partner/husband/non-binary affiliate wouldn’t ordinarily tell you. It might cost me a steak at the cookout but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take.

His arm hurts. I know that you love cuddling up to him with your head on his arm which apparently helps you sleep better, but you have to realize he’s not made out of vibranium. Gents, stop suffering in silence, once she falls asleep, swap with a pillow.

He’s never listening. Yeah all you just said about your day, he didn’t hear a word of it! But nod his head in agreement? Of course. If you’re in doubt, ask him what color of camisole your best friend put on at the party you went for.

How many hoodies/shirts/Polos does he have to lose before you stop? Contrary to public opinion, he doesn’t enjoy you “stealing” his items of clothing. When you borrow it for extended periods, it loses its scent. Nobody wants your Cinderella aroma, keep it to yourself.

Make up your damn mind! When he asks what you want to eat, do not (and I can’t stress this enough) reply with “I don’t know or I’m not hungry” When he gets himself something, for the love of God, suffer in silence. Don’t carry your dirty finger to pick up a piece of chicken from his plate. Just know he’s seeking help from Amadioha to refrain from slapping your hand.

He actually doesn’t mind the nagging. So long as you’re far away from the TV or PlayStation, he’s good. Heck, sometimes he misses it. Why else will he stir up inconceivable controversy? He tells you that your best friend is hitting on him, and watches with a wide grin as you lose your shit. Why? Well, just because he can!

He really wants to say you’re fat. When you put on an outfit and It doesn’t fit. Don’t ask him if you’re fat! He’s wired to think he’s being set up. You’re nailed on to get replies like “Fat? What are you talking about”. He could even feign surprise, but for what it’s worth, best believe it’s time to hit the gym honey.

He knows you’re lying. Nine times out of ten, he can sense the lie from a mile away. On some occasions he enjoys the effort you put into a good lie and he’ll be tempted to reward you. On other occasions, if you see a smirk on his face, abort, I repeat, abort the mission.

We aren’t quite finished yet when I’m done, I hope I’ll still have mandem to call my own.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

92 comments

  3. Such reinforcement that I had a God send! However, I also know that the odds of having a gift like that cross my path again are …well let’s just say I’ve already written in stone that “I’ve already had my happily ever after” & I’m good w/that #gratitude 😉.
    He was from a different mold, but then so was I; I never weighed over 90 lbs except when I was pregnant…101lbs, yes, it looked like the day I went into labor I gained 1 lb, truth is…the baby gets all the nutrition, so after a 6lb baby I was 80 some lbs (lost my appetite during pregnancy, plus it’s always been my metabolism); I know…TMI, but then…scratching ones butt is out there ya know.
    Maybe I’m amused by you because of my husband’s sense of humor?
    I won’t ramble on further. I’ll just say thank you, have a good night, a smile & #peaceandlove ☮ obviously “i” will use emoticons 🤪 ☮💞

    Liked by 2 people

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  8. After 50 years of marriage (our anniversary is next month) I find I agree with some of your comments, am amused by others, and have some reservations about a few. In any case, marriage is the biggest job of anyone’s life, but it carries the greatest rewards. Incidentally, welcome to Virtual Vitamins. May my words be a blessing to you.

    Liked by 2 people

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  15. I so much hate cuddling.

    But if you don’t cuddle them after kpansh– E go be like say you no like them.

    So to prevent future moodswings, you just cuddle with the pain and all😏😏

    Ladies, please!!! Guys are not Teddy bears.

    Liked by 3 people

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  22. Awwww you broke the bro code for us☺️. Thanks. But I think we love it like that, it’s the fun of it. We’ll try to steal less clothes sha.
    Nice write up.

    Liked by 3 people

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  28. Gottfried ,the counsellor
    I truly appreciate this amazing write up.
    Men love peace,they really hate it when you nag,we just have to be smart about things.
    One have to be rational in his /her thinking and execution “Be a strategic thinker”.

    Liked by 3 people

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  30. I really love the fat part, obviously they look fat but they really want to hear it from you,and if you eventually tell them the truth oh my dear you’ll regret telling the truth😂😂😂

    Liked by 3 people

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  34. Make up my mind at a go? Hell no! That ain’t fun

    You take your hand off when I’m asleep, I wake up and crawl right back into your arms..we die here😀😀😀
    Thanks for letting us know about the ‘lies’ part, we’ll do better… alright bye😂😂

    Liked by 3 people

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  39. I was trying so hard to hold my laughter… Damn… It fell off so… Badly. I can’t contain or fix it anymore… It’s scattered and tears are rolling down…Ohohoh my tummy hurts..

    The “lie” truths got me… They should know.. Haha 😂

    Liked by 2 people

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