Banter

Handling Pain

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Pain is that ill-advised trip to the pee at 2am. Just as you’re about to make a left turn to the bathroom, you stub your toe against a sharp edge of the bed. Suddenly the sleepiness vanishes from your eyes, you’re in excruciating pain. You open your mouth to scream but only air comes out. And when it finally comes, the scream sounds like it was embellished with auto-tune. T-pain.

Your folks ever disciplined you so much, you start to suspect you’re adopted? Talking about, “there’s no way they’ll treat their biological kid like this.” So you pack your bags in the middle of the night, with a plan to leave at first light the following morning. The next day you realize you left out a few small details. Where the hell are you even going to stay? More importantly, what will you eat? Will you run on oxygen? There’s no life hack for this, go back to your room and sleep!

Advice to the mandem, crying is therapeutic. When something hurts you, don’t indulge society and say “I will be a man, I won’t cry!”. For the love of God, find an empty room and go cry your eyes out. What do you think is the reason grandpa has since left but grandma has been alive since independence? Crying man, c-r-y-i-n-g. These women have held the secret to longevity all these years, right under our noses. But not anymore.

Drink. And by drink, I mean, drink water. You can distract the pain by going to pee every thirty seconds. Keeps your mind preoccupied. Or better yet, you can pretend the pain doesn’t even exist. For a moment just imagine one of your legs gets completely hacked off.

Where are you going to feel the pain?

“In your leg”

But the leg isn’t there?

“See”

Listen to music. One thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain. Preferably from the heavy metal genre. You barely hear a thing as it’s so chaotic. But it best describes how you feel at that moment, so you’re in perfect sync. Do not, I repeat, do not listen to any music from Lana del Rey or Billie Eilish when you’re hurting. We’re not quite ready to eat jollof rice at your funeral.

Take it out on your younger siblings. Used to work for my brother 😂. All though, to be completely honest, I probably deserved every single one of those love punches. Seriously though, find a nonviolent means for relieving the pain; Like eating lots of food. There is no downside, you can finally get fat, get rid of all the left over’s, and now have the rare privilege of a credit balance reading in binary.

Away from the banter. The first step to dealing with pain is acceptance. The second step is, sharing, and the last step is moving on, which is the hardest part, experts say. For me though, the only way to handle pain is to know pain and be a pain…

in someone else’s arse.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

126 comments

  1. I once was lost in the hope of having my real parents appear and tell me they were away only for the first few years of my life but now they’re back! Aswear, I lived with that fantasy for years most especially when I got beaten in the midnight 😂🤣…

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  4. Music
    Music does not drown my emotional pain. It intensifies the pain I feel thinking of the death of my son in 2016.

    One does not “move on” from this. That pain always exist below the surface.

    Just my two cents….

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  8. Sometimes you just feel like you are not part of the family especially when parents use some foul words on you. I could remember there a day I was forced to ask my mum that she should show me and take me to my real mum…lol

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  11. Interesting read. My brother tried packing out once too (and that around 10pm), me was like “where are you going to by this time of the night”🤷‍♀️😅

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  15. Nice one!! You’re a pain in my arse 😂😂. Taking it out on siblings, guilty. Bless their hearts they don’t hate me 😂
    I thought of leaving a a child but, I wasn’t impulsive. I had a well thought out plan(I was going to show my parents I don’t need them). I wanted to open a kiosk and, buy a wooden house(batcher). I just didn’t know who would give me money.

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  20. 😂😂😂
    “Your folks ever disciplined you so much, you start to suspect you’re adopted?”…lol I can relate. I’ve been there before.
    I remember times I ate my meals in the kitchen, sitting on those small kitchen stools with the feelings that I must definitely be a maid somehow,after being disciplined 😂
    Las las when my tears are all dried up I find myself back to the couch in the sitting room feeling like a member of the family again…lol
    So crazy!
    Thanks for bringing back funny memories.😁

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  22. I love to cry when I’m angry, stressed, sad etc. let me not say “I love to” I would say “I cry” when I’m feeling unhappy and it helps me not to give two fucks about that issue again. 😂. Yasss I’m a cry baby 😭

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  27. Just going home from a stressful day at work, and this piece made me feel better. Normal me would have just opted to listen to lana del Rey 😁😁…… But I see their are better options.

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  30. Nice write up once again. On the part where U said crying is therapeutic, I just discovered that secret not long ago. There is dis feeling of relief u get when tears trickle down ur cheeks. So fellas let that tears flow once in a while😂

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  32. I have to give it to you brother.
    Nice work
    Pain is neccessary, pain is your friend not in the moment but for the evolution of your soul.
    You are given pain because you are strong enough to handle it….if you are already in pain get a reward for it.

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  34. I used to wish I would find out that I was adopted, for exactly the same reason as you said. Then I realized I looked waay too much like my parents. Then I realized if I had been adopted that would mean they actually wanted me and chose to have me, so I realized I must have been an unwanted accident. Then I wanted to be adopted by someone else.

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  37. Nice piece here. Everyone will want to avoid pain, but, sometimes it’s necessary for our growth.
    Being a pain is what I don’t understand. Can you please elaborate?

    Liked by 2 people

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  47. Mehn 😂😂😂😂. The waking up at 2am to pee had that feeling of ”what is he even getting at”? Then boom the pain. That got me good. 😺. Nice work

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  48. Let me follow your advice for once…… time to go be a pain in someone else’s arse 🏃🏽‍♂️🏃🏽‍♂️🏃🏽‍♂️🏃🏽‍♂️

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  50. You are MAD 😍. …Made me smile… and then felt a bit teary, and smiled again
    “to handle pain is to know pain and be a pain, in someone else’s arse?”
    Revenge
    Lol

    Liked by 2 people

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