The Way To A Woman’s Heart

I’m starting to get to that age where I can’t jokingly promise marriage. Be messing around and ask her to marry me, next thing you know, she’s sewn a wedding gown in her head. Even going as far as picking our wedding colors and kids’ names.

Talking about ‘Gottfried honey, I think you’ll look good in a purple suit’. Yeah, you’re right, only if I was being cast as the new Joker. Then it hit me, the boy is now a man and interestingly, I might need to crack the code on how to warm my way into the heart of God’s most complex creation, woman.

So I asked a friend. Who knows, maybe she had the answer(s)? After all, she’s one of them.


She had quite a bit to say. Started off mundane



And on she went. It was starting to get ridiculous


She still wasn’t finished. And I’m not the ‘picky’ type, she said.


I suspect she thought the question was to describe Jesus Christ! I had to hand her some clay to get started. Now on to lesson number 1.

Care. They say that the only way to her heart is by showing her care. Now some of us don’t come with that built-in manual that enables us to show compassion so it’s almost like we’re at a permanent disadvantage. Besides, you could show a lot of care (by your own standards) and it’ll still not be appreciated. In her words, that’s your job, my friend. There are three things that must matter most to you, her, herself and hers!

Smooth-talk. Now, fellas, you gotta know that if you talk too much, that’s a red flag! Talking too much means there’s a possibility that your words are coated with lies. And that’s why every now and then you have to lick your lips, to lubricate the lies. You also have to pick your moments. Extra points if you have a deep voice. If your voice is high pitched, avoid talking altogether. Learn sign language!

On actual dates, it’s kinda different though!


Here’s an idea. Let’s ask the date, shall we?


The burning question…


All you want is a little honesty. 


The game is the game. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Now back to the lesson.

Listening. Sometimes all she wants is an empathetic ear. It’s not going to be easy, because she’s perpetually talking. There will also be days all you’ll be thinking about is how much jail time you’ll serve if you strangle her, but hang in there. Also, more importantly, do not ever proffer a solution, even if it’s glaringly obvious. She just wants you on her side. You and her against her co-workers.

Showering with gifts. Society has taught us that the only way you can show love is by buying her something expensive and/or thoughtful. Again, this is against the grain for the ‘women are not materialistic’ brigade. After spending a fortune on a gift and she goes, you can’t impress me with your gifts. What now? Take back your gift!

Looking and smelling nice. Now I know this might only take you so far but I like to imagine she’s a sucker for a sweet-scented perfume. One whiff of your cologne and she’ll be expressing her undying love for you. Smelling good means you always get a lot of hugs which frankly is a step in the right direction. Unless of course, you’re short, then none of these things really matter.

Violence. Saved the best for last. As bizarre as this sounds, her love language could be violence. She’d absolutely hate the idea of peace and quiet. So if you’re in love with this crackhead, gear up for DAILY arguments. She’ll create a problem out of nothing and sadly you just have to participate. Stuff like her dreaming that you left her and now you have to apologize in real life instead of calling her out on her bs.

If you’ve tried all of the above and you still can’t find a way to her heart, then I’ve got news for you. The reason you haven’t found the way is simple…

she has no heart

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

226 thoughts on “The Way To A Woman’s Heart

  1. I’m female and I think this is funny. Dating is hard work, then you break up. I prefer friends, they last longer. They don’t care what you smell like, they don’t need gifts. Friends are lots of laughs, good times, and when your in trouble, they’re right there to rescue you.

    Liked by 1 person

          1. I’ve been thinking about your comment. You’re right there are men who do not know how to be friends, but for those who do, they are friends forever. Lovers come and go, and are easily forgotten, but friends are for a life time. Those are the men worth having in one’s life. And then there is that one special friend who becomes a soulmate.

            Liked by 1 person

    1. Men aren’t cake walk either. With their I want a girl with thick bum, big breasts and flat tummy. But sweetie sometimes the big bum and fupa(big stomach/ love handle)is a package deal

      Liked by 2 people

  2. “Unless of course, you’re short, then none of these things really matter.”

    This line made sure I am never opening your 6kb page again. Cheeeers to the attack but pffffs I am getting the hugs bitch

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I like this a lot! So much honesty. What do I want in a man? For him to feel free to be himself. Way too much pressure is placed upon men to be perfect. I can’t believe anyone thinks they can control the mind of another, or try to change them into who they want that person to be. Impossible and undesirable! People are flawed by nature. Men are amazing! Just as they are!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The way to a woman’s heart is simple buh very difficult; be funny, good looks and being trendy, caring, be rich of course and have the instincts of a super hero, they like guys dat can protect Dem and even save the universe as the case may be🙌

    Liked by 2 people

  5. “There will also be days all you’ll be thinking about is how much jail time you’ll serve if you strangle her, but hang in there”, these got me…lol🤣…
    Smelling good is very important.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. “If your voice is high pitched, avoid talking altogether. Learn sign language!.” I’m hollering, whatttt!!
    Women are indeed complicated beings, imagine creating a whole argument out of nothing and still get an apology on the side. Such a stellar act!! And please if her love language is violence, please run!!

    Loved this, well done.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. lmao first of all I LOVE THIS POST!!😂😂😂😂 as your resident lawyer, however, I have the obligation of informing you that ‘jokingly promising her marriage’ is actionable in law, dear. Like, she can sue you for breach of promise to marry. And I’ll be on her side because you joke too much.🤕

    Liked by 2 people

      1. After several lessons…the joke went from…joking about marriage to “wouldn’t it be nice if we are friends no more?” Yet the answer was, “through thick and thin, Yes I do!”

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Truly women are so complicated, they just love argument; they’ll always make one up.
    Imagine buy a beautiful dress and a shoe to go with for your woman and ask her you guys goin on a date and that’s what u’ll love her to put on, argument could ensue from there like “so u mean I have no fashion sense” “you mean the clothes I have are not beautiful enough” blah blah blah 😂😂
    You just gotta love them! 😁

    And u just had to shade short people 🤦🏽‍♂️🙄

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It seems the same problem globally. While I am in my early 40s, I know friends probably 10 years younger who are finding it a real challenge. Needs and wants changing dramatically. What doesn’t help is exposure of social media..creating a ‘I want this in my marriage too from day 1’. Little room for compromise…..I feel.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Women are truly complex beings. Personally, I want a bit of everything you listed…apart from violence.😂. Just learn her love language and you should be fine

    Liked by 2 people

      1. There are just some people you automatically gel with. Even disagreements flow. It’s a rare thing but, it does happen.

        Some relationships are a struggle. If you have to work that hard, walk away. Frequencies don’t match.

        Many people become embroiled in joinings based on pure beauty or money or status or power. Too shallow and will make you miserable. I blame societal programming.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yeah I agree with you on the societal conditioning part.

          I also believe people are being pushed by a quest for financial security.

          Do you love him? Not really!
          Will you marry him because he has money? YEAH!

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.