A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short. If you find yourself in endless conversations with your partner that never quite end, you did get it right. Unless she's deaf and you can't be too arsed to learn sign language. The happiest marriage I can picture would be a union of … Continue reading Happily Married

It started with Envy. For Envy, when you can't have one, pissing people off who do is the next best thing. Of the seven deadly sins, only envy is no fun at all. Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own. It is the character of very few men to … Continue reading The Deadliest Sin

We were young. It was a good time. She was adorable and sweet, I was up to no good. Oil and water don’t mix but I somehow made it happen. Now we’re seated in the kids' church, it’s time for prayers so everyone stands up. Unprovoked, I remove her chair from behind her back, without … Continue reading My First Love

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot. Individuals might forgive, companies don't. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. I forgive a lot, but I only trust once. If you break my trust, that's it. Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must … Continue reading Forgiving

I'm not lost. To be lost, you have to know where it is you're supposed to be. And I don't even know that. Lose weight? Try dieting. I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is 14 days. The first thing you lose on a diet is your humor. You might … Continue reading Are You Lost?

There are days I cannot take part in life. The supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands. If you're having a bad day, remember that Ronald Wayne in 1976 sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Today it is worth over $58 billion. Patience is the calm acceptance that things … Continue reading Having A Bad Day

It worked.  "You sure?" to which the response is always, "Yeah damn right I'm sure". Half the time things work for me, I can't help but think I'm lucky it worked because I'd have looked really stupid if it didn't. And if it didn't work, the only excuse I'd have is that it worked in … Continue reading The Seven Magic Sentences

Everywhere in the world women live longer than men. Historically, men started smoking earlier and heavier than women. As a matter of knowledge, any effect of smoking on life expectancy shows in males first. Now, why did man ever feel the need to smoke a cigarette? What, or more appropriately, who was stressing him out … Continue reading Why Women Live Longer

Lie. A lot. Between us, we know the real you, and it ain't pretty. Tell lies that shock the devil himself. And whatever you do, do not be yourself. Remember that you and his parents don’t have to love each other. Tell one lie and run with it. So what you say you're related to … Continue reading Meeting His Parents

Violence is not funny. But you can't deny that sometimes, some people just need a high-five, in the face, with a chair. I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck. Violence might not be the answer, but it's an option. The examiner wouldn't have included it if they didn't think … Continue reading Necessary Violence