How to Take Advantage

Of Kids. When they’re that little, their short-term memory is basically a sieve, making them the perfect targets. You can absolutely swipe their biscuits right from under their noses with total, shameless impunity. By the time they finish crying, they’ll have completely forgotten why they were even upset in the first place. Appreciative Amnesia. 

Of Friends. Look, buying a friend’s prized possessions at 70% off isn’t predatory; it’s a localized economic rescue package. Besides, if you don’t buy, some total stranger will. At least this way, they can visit their former belongings on weekends while you enjoy the fruits of financial responsibility. Everybody wins. 

Of the Elderly. Taking advantage of an older person is just generational karma coming full. You are providing the rare luxury of someone pretending to care about a story you’ve heard forty times. Honestly, if you look at the hourly rate for companionship these days, you’re basically doing them a favor. Grateful heart. 

Of your Manager. Look, if your manager decides to fast-track your career just because they think you’re bonding over shared spreadsheets, who are you to ruin their little delusion? Especially if your social circle is strictly at capacity anyway, and professional loyalty lasts exactly until a competitor offers a 20% bump. Capitalism. 

Of your Lover. Yes, your original reason for being angry was entirely valid, but now that I’ve deployed a deep, tactical hug, what exactly was it again? So your brain decides to completely reboot during a cuddle. Why prolong a perfectly good argument when a strategic embrace can instantly delete the evidence? Tactics. 

Of Yourself. If you weren’t so thoroughly dedicated to self-sabotage, we could have at least blamed your misfortune on the economy. Instead, you must now resort to psychological warfare and trick yourself into becoming someone tolerable today. Exploit your own low expectations, manipulate your laziness into a tactical map, and outsmart your own bad habits. 

If you can’t successfully con yourself into greatness, who else are you going to swindle?

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved