Savage Love

Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. When I first met her, I knew at that moment that I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind, so that there’d be room for her to stay. You see, a man in love is not complete. Until he is married, then he is finished. When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating. Do you say love is more important than money? Have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? Oh please!

Men are the prize. I don’t know how women managed to spin the narrative over the years, but it’s time we reclaim our territory. That’s the true sign. If the lover has not yet achieved his prize, his eyes will follow the woman. But once he’s achieved his goal, it’s the woman’s eyes that follow him, while the man seems careless and indifferent. So you see, in the grand scheme of things, men are indeed the prize. And don’t let anybody tell you differently.

Every relationship you’re in will fail until one doesn’t.  And sometimes it’s not your fault. You have a face only a mother can love. I bet she tells you you’re special too. The problem with relationships these days is lazy girls. Money only impresses lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is a bonus, not a ladder to upgrade. Some of you have simply not understood it. You really think you’re “eating his money” when in fact he feels genuinely sorry for you and is trying to feed. So you don’t starve to death. Your expenses have no real effect on his finances sweetheart.

Spoiled. My mom would make my fruit salad and bring it to my room without saying a word. Then it hit me, nobody is ever going to love me this much.  I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “you probably shouldn’t say that.” To “what the hell, let’s see what happens.” The thing is, some ladies are only pretty on the outside. And the way our society works, you get a pass if you’re pretty. Sometimes I feel like having them eat some of that makeup yunno. So that they can be pretty on the inside too!

Texting back. I love that super cute thing you do when you don’t text me back for hours, adorable. If you’re my friend, I’ll text you 50 times in a row and feel no shame.  You’re my friend, you literally signed up for this. So what I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in. You sent him 20 selfies of yourself and you have the nerve to ask him which is his favorite? Bold of you to assume he downloaded them in the first place. It’s absolutely okay to laugh at your own texts before sending them because you’re just that damn funny! It’s a shame the person at the other end didn’t get a quality education.

Phone calls. Up until recently, I had no idea that some people get anxiety when they hear their phone ring. Like, why do you have a device that gives you panic attacks and makes your heart rate go up? If your girl gets anxious when you dial her number, then is she really your girl? And that’s why you should always hit her with the “I’ll call you right back”. If you know me, that’s just code for we will meet at the feet of Jesus. So you leave her with the anxiety that you might call back and move on with your life. Because why not?

Finding out your partner is not very bright. What are the chances? English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance mean the same thing. Ladies, if you catch him staring at you for extended periods, he’s not in awe of your beauty. He is only just wondering how he ended up with such an idiot.  Then he hits you with something like this. “Honey, you may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but baby, you’re my favorite color”. Then you remind him that he chose you. Says more about him.

Moving on from relationships is hard. Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey. It helps. Here’s a pro tip. Let’s say you are still in love with your ex. What you need to do is print all the available photos of them and use them for target practice. If you meet someone and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, they’re not the one. When you meet your soul mate, you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.

To be loved. Teach people how you want to be loved while accepting that not everyone will catch on. Some will try and fail, while others will try to get you to lower your standards because it is not the amount of work they want to put in. Many will love you, but not everyone will love you the way you want to be loved. Don’t break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them. As you might have ‘wrongfully’ guessed, sarcasm isn’t my love language…

it’s violence

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