Lawyering Up

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian (me) all the stupidity. Being a lawyer is easy. It’s flying like a bird, but you don’t have wings. 

Only lawyers and painters can turn white to black. A good lawyer is a bad neighbour. A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. If she has on reading glasses and stilettos; make that two hundred men with bazookas. 

A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes she will even tell the truth (which goes against her second nature). If Moses had gone to Harvard Law School, he’d have written the Ten Commandments with three exceptions and a savings clause. 

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. When attorneys get married, they don’t say, “I do.” They say, “I accept the terms and conditions.” Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole lifestyle a crime in progress is not a happy prospect. Where there is a Will, there is a Lawyer.

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers. A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” “You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, replies the lawyer. “So where is my present?”

There are no funny lawyers – only funny people who made a career mistake. When a lawyer tells jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don’t think they’re funny and the non-lawyers don’t think they are jokes. I put the lit in litigate. Lawyers argue for a living.

They’d do it for free too.

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved