In the military, there’s a saying that “if it’s possible for things to get worse, they’ll definitely get worse”. You saw this one coming, didn’t you? What you didn’t see coming though, was what your towel had to say about you. Oh and yeah watch out for sponge, she thinks there’s some sort of injustice against her. Since it appears you’ve totally abandoned her, in favour of your palms. She maintains that she is made for the human body and not shoes, bags or surprisingly, plates!
Toothbrush has asked me to tell you that he isn’t some weapon of mass destruction. First of all, you hold him with a vice grip. Then, the speed and velocity with which you brush your teeth have reduced his lifespan drastically. He is rapidly becoming bald. He has submitted a request to end this abusive relationship. He also warned he will one day speak out if you persist.
The fridge has complained about a lack of regard for her well-being. She has a vegetable compartment for vegetables! But you decided to put bottles of water in there, instead. Probably because you’re obviously wiser than her manufacturers. She’s also asked to appeal that it isn’t everything that goes into a fridge. The other day you put an entire pot of stew into the fridge, it spilt and now everywhere you look, there’s stew. Mostly because acute laziness would not let you transfer the stew into a bowl.
The towel was a mess. Borrowing a line from the classic movie Beasts of No Nation, his words were and I quote; “I’ve seen terrible things”. He told me you’re the type to don your towel pre-bath. The health implications are damning given he’s asthmatic. The post-bath suffering isn’t as bad. The only problem being, unlike in the ads, you wouldn’t just dab like a normal person. Instead, you focus all your energy on wiping dry. He’s asked me to plead on his behalf.
I took a trip to the kitchen and best believe it took a while to calm the commotion. The cups swear you never wash them properly. They have a point though, seeing as all you do is pour water in them, shake twice, before pouring the water away. Whatever happened to putting two fingers with a sponge and running right through? The forks complained that there are food particles stuck in them from several months ago. In fact, the entire cutlery is threatening to go on a strike!
The bed, he’d like to plead that you should sometimes use bedsheets. He understands that you’d rather lie on him bare but there’s climate change and you’re both trying to survive. He’s also convinced that there’s a ghost living full time beneath him. I’m inclined to believe since you’ve never really looked under. Also, there are plates under the bed that are clamouring to be washed. They think they have served their penance don’t you think?
Look, I can’t actually take this anymore! There are so many other items to interview and it’s becoming increasingly unlikely that I sample everyone’s opinion. I mean the fan is here blowing disease in protest and that’s disheartening to see. When you do get home today, there could well be a riot. It’s time to brace up and do better.
Sanctions are coming!