Traffic Series

I’m sure at some point, every single one of us has been stuck in a traffic jam for one reason or the other. I mean, it could well be that a section of a road wouldn’t let go of the tires, hence causing an overload. There’s a host of other things that happen to cause a traffic jam, and it absolutely blows my mind! And you just know it that, when you get to the spot that’s causing the “traffic jam”, you discover it is absolutely nothing.

How to select a bus driver? If you’re particularly in a hurry to get to your destination, you come to realize that safety isn’t really your top priority. When you get to the bus park, the driver best suitable for this drift is the one that looks like he hasn’t run a comb through his hair in weeks. It also helps if the conductor’s voice is so hoarse, he can barely pronounce your destination. Those are your guys! 

Bus drivers really do the most at times, but even in the peak of their shithoussery, they can’t lace conductors’ boots. Conductors, they’re the real problem. You would think Iniesta and Silva were the only mortals who can pick out people in tight spaces, I raise you, bus conductors. These guys are blessed with 20:20 vision and 40:40 awareness. You haven’t lived till you hear a bus conductor shout “gbe body e”.

Refueling the tank. How convenient is it that a conductor loads passengers onto a bus and a few meters from the bus stop, they stop to purchase gas? Why, oh! why did you not get gas before coming to pick us up? Plus I think the gas they put in is so little because the whole exercise lasts about twenty seconds tops. The fuel pump blows the fuel tank a kiss and we’re back on the road. Satanism

Change. It’s a beautiful thing that several passengers enter a bus going to the exact same location, but somehow, they don’t pay the same fare. This one time I boarded a bus along with two ladies. We all agreed on a particular fare with the conductor. Still, en route, we picked up another batch of passengers. Interestingly we overhead the conductor bargain for a higher fare with them, than the one he charged us. I thought to myself, we die here today!  When we got to our destination, I just passed my fare to one of the women to give the conductor. As I stepped off the bus, I looked back to see mayhem. Punches were flying left right and center. I didn’t bother to hang around for longer.

“Please, I will alight here”. If you’re familiar with bus shuttling in Nigeria, you know you’re not afforded the luxury to speak in English. If you’re in Lagos, you’re to say “e je ka ma bole”, in Enugu you’re to say “o gaapu”, and in Port Harcourt city you’re to say “dropping dey oh”, which all basically mean, I want to disembark. This particular lady didn’t get the memo. We got to her stop and she was busy saying “I will alight here”. In my mind, I’m like, “this one is not ready”. Of course, after the driver sped past her stop, she started screaming and spoke fluent Creole. Isn’t God great?

Who are you? Another time we were stuck at a T-Junction because two well-dressed gentlemen wouldn’t allow the other passage. Next thing I know one asks the other, “Who are you?” To my utter amazement, he replies “I’m chief Amadi, owner of chain stores, who are you?” And just like in the movies the other’s response is, “I’m Doctor Peter, I own and run a successful pharmaceutical company!”. I’m sitting there like, oh well, okay we both know who the heck you both are, can you now kindly get the heck off the road? You should see the bystanders, they were absolutely loving it. I secretly was too.

It gets better, or worse?

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