Church Doing Church Things

Church is really where all the magic happens. ​I do find it a tad offensive when ushers wake you up from your beauty sleep midway into the service. After all, it’s your father’s house, you’re supposed to be allowed to sleep freely. Ushers really need to do better, sometimes cut people slack, you don’t know what they’ve been through in the past week. Some people have been battling demons all week long. That two-hour window they’re in a church where the demons can’t reach them, let the people sleep!

A somewhat popular story of a man who had been battling insomnia for a while. The wife had done all she could to help. They had tried a change of diet, exercises, even sleeping pills. If anything he seemed to get worse. They checked him into a hospital and even doctors threw in the towel. On his last straw, a pastor was invited to admonish him before he drew his last breath. He hadn’t slept in weeks and it was starting to take its toll. Two minutes into the admonition, everyone present started to hear a snore, where was it coming from? Of course, the man had dozed off. So if you’re battling insomnia, here’s a pro tip.

Those sisters that wear high heeled shoes to church, only to change into slippers as soon as they are seated in church, what exactly is your problem? And some of you can’t even walk properly in them, now your sauntering along like a harp seal. Jokes on you if one of the heels come off because you weigh the equivalent of a sack of tomatoes and you climbed onto a six-inch piece of stick. Don’t you have the fear of God?

What do you know about instrumentalists? News from the grapevine is that they never give offerings. That lady that makes it a point of duty to render a solo every Sunday? Apparently, she’s trying to get married, notice her. What about ushers? Of course, they wouldn’t let you sleep peacefully and they’re the real slay queens. Pastors? They have no idea when the sermon is starting to bore or what time it is. Elders in the church? They never hear what the pastor is saying but it doesn’t stop them from screaming “ride on pastor”.

Quite a number of you are guilty of this. During the announcements, the pastor pleads that all youths stay behind after the service for a brief meeting. Immediately that announcement is made, you immediately cease to be a youth. In fact, rather than attend the youth meeting, you cut short your prayers. God will understand.

Why do people not see the folly in some of the testimonies they give?

“Praise God! Children of God join me to praise this God! Hallelujah! Do you know, I put rice on the stove, and went to bath. When I came out of the bath, I saw smoke everywhere! I thank God that with the help of my neighbour, we were able to put out the fire”

Hold up sister Sally, hold the hell up. If you weren’t so crazy as to have left the stove unattended in the first instance, will there be any need for this testimony?

Reciting memory verse is an extreme sport. We had learnt the memory verse for the week in our local dialect at home. When we got to the church, we were hype.

“People that want to recite their memory verse in Igbo ( local dialect) kindly stand up”- Man at the Podium

My brother and cousin get up.

“Give that brother the microphone”.

The usher hands over the microphone to my brother and he goes. “N’ihi na…n’ihi na” (he suddenly can’t recollect the rest”.

“Thank you, give to the brother next to him”

The usher hands over the microphone to my cousin, who continues from where my brother stopped, “N’ihi na…N’ihi na” ( he shakes his head shamefully and concedes defeat).

And that is why folks, you have to consult your “village people” before you stand up in the first instance.

You ever be seated in church and the pastor seems to be looking directly at you with every pronouncement he makes?

“The Bible says, the soul that sinneth, he shall die,” he says, looking straight at you. At this point, you’re very uncomfortable. 

When it’s time to pronounce blessings he’s suddenly no longer focused in your direction. Just before he rounds up, he looks again your direction and says “Sinnerman, accept Jesus now!”

You start to suspect your parents have been snitching.

Amen

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