Before You Get married

Marriage is a conscious decision to find someone who supposedly gives you peace of mind, happiness and then committing to them. Right? Right? Wrong! It is finding that one person whose bullshit you’re willing to cope with for the rest of your life. FYI you’re free to quote me, I don’t have bags of experience to fall back on. Heck, I don’t even know anything about marriage, but educate you I must!

Anywho, before you do get married, there are a number of questions you need to ask your spouse to be. To hell with genotype tests and rhesus compatibility. All of that is irrelevant stuff in the grand scheme of things. I mean, all that “if you marry a cousin, your offspring will most likely have genetic disorders” is pure garbage and frankly baseless, right? By all means, do what makes you happy and keeps you out of jail.

Fellas, we have to ask the real questions. First of all, ask her what TV programs she enjoys? If she says Telemundo and Telenovela, I’ve got bad news for you chief! There’s no coming back to her. There’s no way she’s going to juggle being an excellent wife and mother to your kids and watch that stuff. It just doesn’t mix. Your baby is sat there hungry and crying and the love of your life is dancing Bharatanatyam in the sitting room. Tragic

Ladies, don’t ask him if he snores, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with snoring. The simple remedy is to buy earmuffs and you’re good. But, hear me out, if he farts in his sleep, by god you gotta reconsider the whole thing. I mean this man is trying to deprive you of life! Baby girl run! He can fart and the air conditioner stops functioning properly! What now?

Another important question which basically trumps the “kids or no kids” question is, “how do you like your plantain?” It will be difficult to comprehend the severity of this question till you’re in dire straits when you discover you’ve married a psychopath who loves overripe plantain and now your life is absolutely ruined. You can always get around the kids’ thing by adopting one, but you see this plantain issue, it has broken marriages. True story!

All the other stuff like peeing on the toilet seat, pressing the toothpaste from the middle or the tail end, and sleeping with the lights on or off are good shouts but there are bigger fish to fry. If your spouse-to-be prefers big onion slices rather than it being chopped into little bits, you’re in for a horrible time. Imagine Jollof rice is served and the pieces of onion on your plate are bigger than the pieces of meat? Where do we go from here? My dear, please call your mother!

Last but not least on the ever-growing list “White or brown bread” Now be careful about what kind of bread your spouse-to-be likes. You know that brown part of bread you usually throw away, they might like it! Or the first slice, some people would kill for that slice. Shocking! More shocking is the fact that some people like burnt toast. The people at the bakery didn’t do justice to the bread, so you set it on fire?

We’re not quite finished here