How To See Out A First Date

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From the echelon of relationships cosigned by Cupid, I bring you good tidings of great joy. Don’t fret about how your first date will pan out, I got you! All you have to do is to painstakingly read and apply every single nugget of wisdom contained in this post. All bets off, you will absolutely ace the first date, and the many more to come afterwards. Let’s get into it! There’s a bunch of stuff you should absolutely do to make sure the date is a success.

Overdress. It is imperative that you adorn yourself in your Sunday best for the first date. Fellas, I’m talking a three-piece suit with a bowler hat for emphasis. How else will she know that you’re wealthy if you don’t show up in impressive regalia? Ladies, by all means, show up in nine-inch heels, he’s not the one if you’re not willing to literally fall head over heels in love with him.

Forget your manners. What’s the point in holding doors open for her? She most likely has a pair of hands and will comfortably do so herself. Leaving her to open doors by herself is a branch of feminism. Don’t be polite, women love arseholes and being a gentleman screws your chances. Try your best to be rude to the waiter, show her who’s boss around here. Chew as loudly as possible, ensure your date can see the food in your mouth as well. It shows you’re having a nice time.

Comment on what the person is or isn’t eating. In the course of the meal, you may be tempted to comment on why your date isn’t eating much or they’re eating a lot, if they’re eating a lot, please call them to order. It’s a date, not an end world hunger initiative. Constantly remind her that you’re splitting the bills and each party will pay for what they eat.

Be on your phone. Men like a woman that can multitask. If it’s possible to hold a conference call with your girlfriends, by all means, do that. What’s the point of focusing all your attention on him when you can improve on your high score in candy crush? Think about it! There’s a huge chance you bond over the lack of attention you give each other.

Make references to an ex-lover. When on a date, be very aware that your date wants to hear all about your dating history. It’s imperative that you talk about your numerous exes for as long as possible, leave no stone unturned. Dwelling on the past shows that indeed you’re ready to move on. For emphasis, mention your ex-lovers name so that your date can make comparisons. Healthy competition never hurt anybody!

Be mindful of costs when paying the bill. The dream on any date is to have her come over with her home girls. And because they all have healthy appetites, you let them eat to their hearts’ satisfaction. The next step is a bit tricky but if you’re smart enough, you can pull it off. Pretend to take a business call, have yourself excused from the table and make for the nearest exit. They will reap, what they have sown!

The list is almost unending, depending on varying individual preferences, so it is imperative to avoid discussing extensively with your date prior to the day. Punctuality is unnecessary, as being late creates the impression that you have quite a lot going for you, which is a good thing.

Here is to fruitful dates, and here is to a smooth sail as you surf the sea of love.

Gottfried

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104 comments

  1. I love this. It reminds me of my friend Jeanne Marie from Women Who Think Too Much. She wrote a book about 10 ways to keep your man happy. It’s tongue in cheek and a little sad because he actually did all the things she mentioned and none of them worked. What’s a first date? It’s been so long I can’t remember and if I did have one I would jabber 90 mph. Like going on a job interview to me. LOL Kidding πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I prefer practicals, are these lessons from your first date? If not, pls try it out and return with your recommendations. All the best King of SarcasmπŸ˜†

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lol … Be on your phone!

    I mean, if i knew she liked her phone so much, then we should have just dated on WhatsApp.

    Thanks for the “advice,” wise one.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I was expecting the normal dating tips one reads online
        But on second thought, I knew Banter will be treading a different path
        Nice one, though!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Interesting!!!!! Nice tips, I wonder how my first date with future hubby will be 😘😁😁😁. But forget your manners!!! Trust me the dude isn’t going to have another date. Using your phone when necessary can be allowed. But being busy on the phone to me it’s rude, especially on a first date. Not all guys would love the lady they take on a first date to discuss on the ex, for goodness sake it’s ex, why not focus on the present and see how it works. When we have this comparison mentality, the date will just be the first and last. My thoughts though.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Some girls really have healthy appetite……taking a business call to allow them sow what they’ve reaped on a first date, come on.. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    So much banter

    Liked by 1 person

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