How To See Out A First Date

~ Gottfried

From the echelon of relationships cosigned by Cupid, I bring you good tidings of great joy. Don’t fret about how your first date will pan out, I got you! All you have to do is to painstakingly read and apply every single nugget of wisdom contained in this post. All bets off, you will absolutely ace the first date, and the many more to come afterward. Let’s get into it! There’s a bunch of stuff you should absolutely do to make sure the date is a success.

Overdress. It is imperative that you adorn yourself in your Sunday best for the first date. Fellas, I’m talking a three-piece suit with a bowler hat for emphasis. How else will she know that you’re wealthy if you don’t show up in impressive regalia? Ladies, by all means, show up in nine-inch heels, he’s not the one if you’re not willing to literally fall head over heels in love with him.

Forget your manners. What’s the point in holding doors open for her? She most likely has a pair of hands and will comfortably do so herself. Leaving her to open doors by herself is a branch of feminism. Don’t be polite, women love arseholes and being a gentleman screws your chances. Try your best to be rude to the waiter, show her who’s boss around here. Chew as loudly as possible, ensure your date can see the food in your mouth as well. It shows you’re having a nice time.

Comment on what the person is or isn’t eating. In the course of the meal, you may be tempted to comment on why your date isn’t eating much or they’re eating a lot, if they’re eating a lot, please call them to order. It’s a date, not an end world hunger initiative. Constantly remind her that you’re splitting the bills and each party will pay for what they eat.

Be on your phone. Men like a woman that can multitask. If it’s possible to hold a conference call with your girlfriends, by all means, do that. What’s the point of focusing all your attention on him when you can improve on your high score in candy crush? Think about it! There’s a huge chance you bond over the lack of attention you give each other.

Make references to an ex-lover. When on a date, be very aware that your date wants to hear all about your dating history. It’s imperative that you talk about your numerous exes for as long as possible, leave no stone unturned. Dwelling on the past shows that indeed you’re ready to move on. For emphasis, mention your ex-lovers’ name so that your date can make comparisons. Healthy competition never hurt anybody!

Be mindful of costs when paying the bill. The dream on any date is to have her come over with her homegirls. And because they all have healthy appetites, you let them eat to their hearts’ satisfaction. The next step is a bit tricky but if you’re smart enough, you can pull it off. Pretend to take a business call, have yourself excused from the table and make for the nearest exit. They will reap, what they have sown!

The list is almost unending, depending on varying individual preferences, so it is imperative to avoid discussing extensively with your date prior to the day. Punctuality is unnecessary, as being late creates the impression that you have quite a lot going for you, which is a good thing.

Here is to fruitful dates, and here is to a smooth sail as you surf the sea of love.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

228 thoughts on “How To See Out A First Date”

  3. When it comes to first (or first and also last) dates, I always think of Rowan Atkinson and his live show from 1992. Maybe it’s still on YouTube – he did more than great performance about first date (greeting at the door and meeting parents, driving, paying dinner bill, dancing in the club, preparing for kissing or having sex etc.). Many people can recognize themselves in that performance – or their ex partners as well 🙂

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  5. I love the mica flashes in the pan you’ve presented, DAYum no nuggets AGAIN. Seriously, all SAGE advice to support inability for people to connect .This is a WONDERFUL expose on YOU do the work.. AS IF. BOTH people come to the table. AS IF, the woman or man or the woman or the trans is in control to rein the reins and drive the 1st date. Hilarious and funny and witty and apt.

    From my perspective, 1st dates are about two people who have zero idea what they’ve gotten themselves into, and it’s more about facilitating an actual engagement getting started. Not necessarily even a convo. Simply engagement. Serendipity is even a spectator oftentimes. Lots of starts. Not a lot of goings forward.

    LOVE your satire and straight-up THAT’s how it is on a 1st date reeling out of the story. I KNOW THAT situtation.

    I’ve always said, when in doubt, At an upper-crusty steakhouse, order a burger instead and add avocado. You’ll not only see how she deals with busted expectation, from that you’ll see her developed sense of fluidity. The non-verbal response she has in regards to the extra-maintenance or none required to eat a burger with avocado on it will speak volumes about her. Then, if she passes that bs test, OH there may be some dishy questions that get you both going… or not. Either way. You can always have a Porterhouse. But, a burger in an expensive restaurant with avocado? OH, do they do those right. Oh, pardon. I had avocado. Forgot about the date when she didn’t engage.

    You can also pre-pay extra to cover more than the meal + tip to at least lake care of the waitress/waitress. That way, when you head off to the bathroom… you can Bourne Identity leave through the window.

    Excellent post, Gottfried. Excellent post!.

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