Banter

How Mannered Are Your Table Manners

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The intriguing thing about table manners is that the rules only apply to a select group of people. I mean, how can you have table manners if you have no dinner table to begin? For those who eat and toss the dishes under their beds, this one’s (isn’t) for you.

Table manners are quite literally a lifesaver. Could save your career too if we’re keeping it a buck. Curbing the excesses of the widely publicized set of inaccurate rules, here’s a revised version you should strongly consider. Why you should take me seriously? I understand the science behind bowel movement and also, you are how you eat.

Talk excessively. The table is a good avenue to vent and air your views. It is also good to discuss matters arising.

Gottfried: Christine, are you ever going to finally get married?

Christine: (scowls) Why do you ask?

Gottfried: I’m kinda looking forward to having my room back, but you’re still single to stupor so…

The good thing though is that the parents are oblivious to the exchange because they’re both on the phone. Now your aunt is staring daggers at you. Bonding

Cough, sneeze and blow your nose liberally. Why use a napkin? What are the sleeves of your clothes useful for? Remember, a good sneeze is loud. Imagine sneezing and snot lands on the forehead of your host? That’s premium appreciation right there. If you have a runny nose and your eyes are burning, leaving the table for the bathroom is not advisable, wait it out!

Eat as much as you possibly can. Added bonuses for chewing loudly. How else will your host know you’re enjoying the food? A buffet is really an opportunity to see how much food you can balance on your plate. Losing your job because you have badly behaved during a lunchtime buffet at a company event is a really small price to pay. Priorities priorities!

Wear tight items of clothing. For an elated feeling that only comes when you loosen your belt and the food comes crashing down, tighten your belts! A police officer in the news was fighting for his life after he wolfed down a ton of food without freeing up his tummy. If only he buckled the belt tighter, who knows, maybe he’d have got his wish to see the white light at the end of the tunnel. Die doing what you love!

Get food stuck in your teeth. After dinner, you’ll most likely get bored quickly so the secret is to get as much food stuck in your teeth so you can be preoccupied with trying to remove it afterward. It’s good practice to open wide and have the person closest to you assess the situation. If a bone is stuck in your throat, it is imperative that you make a scene. Don’t die in silence.

At this point you’re an expert on table manners, believe me. And if you find yourself struggling with the 19 kinds of silverware available at a dinner table, there’s absolutely no shame in rolling up your sleeves and digging in with your fingers.

That’s home training.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

136 comments

  1. Forgot, the food if they had to eat that day. A lot of bread and my grandmother was a specialist at killing the chickens and the little poor rabbits they had in some dirt house in those times. My poor mother was confused as to why her little friends, being the cute bunnies, disappeared….. when she found out they where on her belly, she is still traumatize. I´ll send her to a shrink today now that I think of it.

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      3. I only know that grandma got the little cute bunnies by the neck, made a quick “wack wack!” sound, bunny dead, time to dismember it, cook it, and her kids had food for their bellies. She was grandma the serial killer rabit… the only thing they had and they were lucky

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  2. Tell that to my mother about her mother that being my grandmother….I´m getting confused. Point being, my mother was born after the Spanish civil war, grandma and grandfather lived and fought during it. Mother was born dirt poor but if she was not at the “table” whatever they managed to use as table in some shed when it was breakfast, lunch and dinner and had bad manners she would get the slapping of a lifetime by my grandmother. Which translated for me, not that harsh but a good wack in the back of the head I would get as a kid for bad “table manners”. My grandmother saw them throw some trash to the ground… get ready mother cause grandma or grandpa would slap the bejesus out of you.( Thinking about it they were more environmentalist than the spoiled kids now a days) Manners are manners poor or rich. It´s all how you are raised.

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  6. Lollllzzzzz…… The last one is something I can roll with. Imagine struggling to eat a chicken with skin that lack tenderness and still trying to hold on to the rules of knives and fork…….. Just roll your sleeves, wash your hands and dig in……
    Love your post.

    Liked by 2 people

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  13. Bukky, this one got me. Teaching in the reverse order. Can’t imagine sneezing and… lands on my host’s forehead. I better get my napkin closer. Thanks a lot.

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  14. Pingback: A Basketful of Snippets (The Snarky Kind) | Filosofa's Word

  15. I agree with every single tip.
    This is my kind of table manners, and I mean it, I do.
    Except if someone is blowing their nose, coughing and sneezing, I am selfish and I will be worried about getting sick from them and I will leave politely.
    Everything else, more than cool for me.
    You are great.

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  16. Reading this post right now is just perfect, I’m glad I didn’t read this on Monday, might have taken your advice and 😫😫😫

    Always a lovely read 👍

    Liked by 1 person

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  19. Lol,table manners isn’t for bachelors. You need to have a dinning and a table as well. Plus if you have something between your teeth,show the next person,everyone needs some help.

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  20. I kinda avoid the table whenever there’s a pressing issue…who the hell am I?? I just wanna keep manners without the table, cause I can’t end up not having both.
    And seriously, when a bone is stucked in your throat, don’t die in silence.
    I dey shame I dey shame, you’re dieing in silence.

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  22. You covered almost all the bases, but you left out one important thing … slurping. One must always slurp their beverage, preferably to some tune that they have playing in their head. I have a repertoire of about 5 songs to which I can expertly slurp, and I rotate them, depending on the occasion. 🙃

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  23. I just say to the chef prior to the meal, “kindly make it unfriendly; add more than enough pinch of salt, get all the spicy in… thanks”

    That way, I have the table to myself eventually😁

    I’m not sure how banter manners apply for singly manned tables??😛😛😛

    Good read as always💪

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  25. Lmao, at this juncture, I’m going to make sure I’m not eating anything while reading your post, I nearly choked on shaki and roundabout while reading this…..guy you no go kill me.

    Liked by 1 person

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  44. 🤣 🤣 🤣
    A good sneeze is loud… Totally agree.

    A good fart is louder too… You forgot to add that… The host has to affirm the smell of what he fed you with… Table manners

    Liked by 1 person

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  46. Very Interesting, but I’m one of those who eat and dump their plates under de bed, so this isn’t meant for me, lolzzzzzzz. Anyway I learnt something. Thanks.

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  47. Ha ha ha! Thats a good laugh to start my days work with😄 But what you said is considerable. Ignoring Table manners does not going to make any of us less humans. 😂 Unless if its not exaggerated 😄😄😄

    Liked by 1 person

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