The Most Important Object

On one of my many visits to the white house, I started musing to myself about an object that I imagined was of most importance to me and every other individual by extension. I weighed its importance on how much I couldn’t do without it on a daily. The inquest is still on and I want you to join me on this journey. Today, I present to you an object lesson on, wait for it, objects.

As I wake up every day, the first object I pick up is my mobile device. Surely I’m not alone in this. What is really wild is that sometimes I end up scrolling through the apps on this device without even thinking to check if I could still walk, you know, test my big toe for a second. So maybe the most important object is my mobile phone? Wait, I missed the part about me lying on a bed. That too!

Or maybe it’s a toothbrush? Without a toothbrush, you wouldn’t be able to communicate freely (doesn’t apply to psychopaths though). Who else has, in a hurry, combined just toothpaste and an ‘up-down’ sequence with their finger to do some damage control? Don’t be shy, we’ve all been there. Fix up btw…

The level of the importance of a toothbrush cannot be stressed enough. You could lose your job, loved ones(kissing your spouse first thing in the morning), business deals, etc, if you didn’t use one. And remember kids, when you brush, it’s up and then down motion. Not 360 degrees, choking on your tongue and gargling!

Powder? Only OGs know how important prickly heat ‘dusting’ powder was growing up. Just had your bath? Rub dusting powder! Got rid of a zit? Rub dusting powder? Just shaved your pits? Rub dusting powder! Afraid you’ve contracted a venereal disease? Wash affected areas and apply prickly heat dusting powder! It works like magic. Powder, maybe more important to the other gender, they apply generously. Best believe we haven’t forgotten the dark days where it seemed like y’all just applied a fresh coat of whitewash. Shameful era!

I used to underrate toothpicks until I got something stuck in my teeth for over two hours on a journey. My teeth hurt as did my tongue. It’s worse when the food particle is halfway out, and you’re wooing it to come out. So maybe toothpicks are up there as the most important? Some of you psychos even go as far as using them to poke your ears. I know I’m not supposed to wish bad things on you but you’ll get what’s coming.

It’s really rich that most of us understate how important beds actually are. If you want to understand just how integral they are to your life and well being, spend a few nights on the couch.

You’ll be perpetually tired, twice as grumpy, and more than likely to lose your shit over the most basic things. After all, there’s no logical reason for screaming at the elevator, it can’t even hear you…

Buttons? We’ve had buttons and things that act as buttons for over 3,000 years. Matter of fact, the present configuration with a designated buttonhole started in the 1300s. I mean you could argue that without buttons, how else could you measure weight loss? If your tummy isn’t testing the thread between your buttons and clothes to their limits, it’s safe to say your weight is still in check. What’s interesting is that buttons only do one thing. Hide stuff!

It’s an endless list really. Sometimes when you get something new, you trick yourself into believing it has the power to change absolutely everything about you. News flash, that’s just banter. That phone? You’ll get tired. The new PlayStation, they’ll come up with a better one. That new child? They’ve got better offers at Walmart. Abandon those objects and focus on what really matters…

Me

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.