The thing with the other gender is, like a plague, they’re everywhere! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them either. So I’ve come up with a compromise. I’ll give you a few life tips on how to win them over and maybe keep things that way for as long as you can manage. Trust me, I have absolutely no idea. But saying ‘trust me’ has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
The mother. The most unpredictable of the lot. You’re stuck in a love-hate relationship with her. To win her over I’d advise that you offer to help more around the house. As good as that sounds, it could backfire spectacularly (You’re not doing it right). You could take to complimenting her outfits and food which just might be a long shot too. But a sure winner any day is offering to give her foot rubs. Take it to the bank!
The daughter. Irrational, insatiable but loves you to death. Winning her over might take some getting used to. What worked yesterday night not necessarily work tomorrow so you have to constantly evolve.
Express how much you love her and explain that you want to have a good relationship with her. Sometimes all she wants is to be heard. But if she’s proving difficult, allow her frown for a few weeks, as therapy.
The grandmother. The easier of the lot. There’s a reason why she takes life easier than the rest, she doesn’t quite have that much time left. So keep in touch with her. Offer to take her on trips, the keyword here being ‘offer’. It’s the thought that counts. Also, let your kids go over to hers every now and then. Don’t forget to buy her stuff you know she can’t use, they love those!
The mother-in-law. If you play your cards right, it’s the best thing ever. All she wants is to be sure that her beloved daughter isn’t getting sold into slavery. Little gestures like sending small gifts and cash will go a long way toward making her happy. She’d even join you in ganging up against your wife if the need arises(it will).
The wife. The level of control she has over your happiness is crazy. Keeping up with her mood swings can be a herculean task, but there’s always a way out of it.
Now if you’re going to pull a stunt as elaborate as that, better make alternative sleeping arrangements. And if you think she’ll ever truly forgive you, then you’re slightly more ignorant than I thought. But yeah, nice gestures and kisses, lots of. Brush your teeth first!
The Teacher. I think women are better educators than men on the whole, but it comes with a price. The hardest taskmasters, it’s not easy to get on their good side. You could win her over by always paying attention to her and not the lesson. It also helps if you habitually snitch on your classmates. School finna be a breeze!
The cafeteria lady. Your meal ticket and by far the most important woman in your life. You can’t joke around with her, she’s basically in charge of your stomach infrastructure. Winking at her and asking about her kids and husband is a sure winner. Tell her she’s doing amazing and gas her up every chance you get. It’ll reap great dividends. The joy of finding an extra piece of meat on your plate is unrivaled.
The Secretary. You notice that she’s been really unfair to you time and time again. It’s either of two things, she’s hitting on you or she’s just being her usual self, a marine spirit. Now from my experience, you can’t win marine spirits over, it’ll require blood sacrifice. If it’s the former, just make sure you smile every time you make eye contact with her. It works like a charm.
There’s plenty more where this came from. To become the dream brother, son, husband and/or son-in-law, it takes practice. Lots of practice! But when you do it right…
You’ll die a happy man.
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