How To Win Him Over

Ere we proceed, I want to expressly reiterate that all men are, in fact, the exact same. That fine gentleman you’re with that you imagine is the best thing since sliced bread, is really not. The thing is, you have an idea of what you believe he is, and being a  knucklehead, you’ve absolutely fallen in love with that idea. But with the guy himself? Not so much. Now back to the subject matter. The short answer to the question is “you can’t”. But since you’ve decided to be stubborn and continue reading, here goes.

The dad. Winning Dad over is pretty easy. Get your grades up! It’s that simple. All you have to do is take a packet of yeast, pour on your grades and watch them rise. You’ll become an automatic favorite. There’s also petty stuff like washing his car and ironing his clothes. But they don’t really count, you’re his personal slave, you’re already supposed to do that. But you see that grade thing, that is it! All big man wants is something to brag about, give him something!

Cute guy at the mall. You’re at the mall stranded with your trolley full of items. You’re looking to cross off the last item on your list, but it’s not where mere mortals can reach. So you wear a plastic smile and ask the cute guy to help, you know, to put that height to good use.


Chivalry is dead. He’s not too pleased about your unwillingness to let him have your number. The nerve of the guy to not even be persistent. Your excuse? He only asked once and you’re not trying to look cheap. Shame!

Grandpa (aka Back in the Day). Now we all know grandpa has one too many stories that nobody wants to listen to. You get more points by sitting there and suffering in silence as he tells his account of the war for the 456 billionth time. Extra marks if you act surprised at the ending. To preserve his ego though, you could put him on ‘carving the thanksgiving turkey’ duties. Adds an extra ten years every time!

The son. Besides giving him a six-pack on his birthday, it does help if you provide him with pointers on how to talk to chicks(not poultry). But to really win him over, if he gets into trouble in school, take only his word for it. He’ll never forget this vote of confidence. I mean you’ll still whip him when you get home but it’ll be at least it’ll be mutually agreed upon.

The Security guy. A piece of cake if there ever was one. The bar is below the ground, you just might just rediscover crude if you go any lower. It does help that he cares a lot more about what he thinks you can do for him and less about your person. Bare minimum effort.


The bus driver. All you have to do is have enough change for your fare. Also, since nobody else really engages him in a meaningful conversation, you get extra marks for at least asking him about the family. He’ll be overwhelmed and even let you ride some days for free. Probably even name his daughter after you. You win an award if you make him a salad/fruit pack.

The husband. As the days go by, he becomes harder and harder to please. He’s just now realized you’re not exactly what was advertised on the carton.

“It says here that she’d be funny, I haven’t laughed in years”

So you gotta step up, big time. With time, he’ll begin to warm up to your humor. Baby steps really! Before you know it, you two are constantly laughing like school children over the dumbest shit. It does help if you smell like bubble gum all the time. If he doesn’t look at you the same way he looks at candy, you’re not doing it right!

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Wrong! The way to a man’s heart is through his chest? Well yeah, if you’re holding a surgical blade. The truth is, the mirror of a man’s heart is his actions. And as regarding his heart, unlike a womb, it won’t stretch to make room for you.


ยฉ Gottfried. All rights reserved.


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