Mr. Money

My first encounter with Mr. Money happened several years ago. Do you know the first thing about being a kid? You have needs! I wanted, needed a bicycle! So I knelt by my bedside and offered a prayer to the Big Man up there. It was purely a business meeting.

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After a few minutes of consultation, he promised that if I kept up with good behavior, Mr. Money was going to pay me a visit.

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Was he going to keep his end of the bargain? I had no idea. There were days I was beginning to think that maybe I had been scammed! But this is the big man up there we’re talking about. He created me, so how difficult would it be for him to loan me Mr. Money for a few weeks? Or months? Or years? Or a lifetime? I hear our days are like seconds to him. No?

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One cold Saturday morning, I got a knock on my door. I opened it and guess who was at the door? Finally!

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Princewill was going to file for bankruptcy, so I introduced him to Mr. Money. I offered to loan him Money for a while, until he was back on his feet. The handover was televised, with my siblings and parents in attendance. This was beginning of a debt profile for Princewill, which he continues to pay with blood, sweat, and tears to this day. Those loans where you refused to look twice at the fine print, because of bankruptcy!

Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant. Money stops nonsense. When you don’t have him, you’re at his mercy. Why else are you refraining from calling out that your wealthy friend on their bs? When you do have it though, and I mean lots of it, it makes a lot of conversations shorter. That family meeting that took the greater part of the day and continued into the night? Money could have stopped it!

Money offers the best deodorant. You don’t even need to spray an extra one. It’ll last you 24 hours, seven days EVERY week. Initially, women used to make the world go round, that’s until money showed up with his brother Greed. Now everyone chases money and most of us are really unsuccessful at it. At the moment, I have just enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Money has a sixth sense and you can’t make use of the other five without it. It also frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. The thing about money is, like most of the things you don’t yet have, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it, and thought of other things if you did. Fascinating!

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer. What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. A wise man once said that it was better to cry in a Rolls Royce than a Prius, and I agree. The Rolls Royce offers slightly more legroom. Besides, throwing money at your problems, more often than not, solves them for you.

Money is badass. No matter how hard you hug him, he never hugs back. Money shows up at work once every month, and when he leaves, everyone is happy. Money answers all things. Even when no question is asked, money is the answer. Can’t feel your leg? Need Money! Going through a breakup? Spend Money! Need to leave your parents’ house for good? Earn money!!!

I have a relationship with money. I just think money recognizes me, money is comfortable around me. Money likes me. Money feels like, when it needs someone to talk to, it will choose me in the crowd, and it will come and sit next to me. Whatever form it comes in, Money will choose me. So if you see Mr. Money and I rolling down the street…

Just holla!

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

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