Deep Shit

~ Gottfried

Oh Shit! As humans, no matter how much you try, you almost always, at a certain point, find yourself in an ‘Oh shit!’ moment. To be in deep shit is to be in a bad situation because of something you have done(or not done). Deep shit also best describes your life when you’re pushing 40 and still experiencing bouts of foolishness. Do you know what they say about the 40-year-old fool? It’s for EVER!

Deep shit can be avoided. In my experience, it’s usually when I forget to do something that I had the luxury of doing until the last minute. Then it hits me, and I go, ‘oh shit’. A classic case is putting a pan on the fire and rushing to the bathroom to do a number. Not just any number. Number 2! It started off in the kitchen.

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I felt a wobble in my tummy.  You know it’s bad manners to fart in the kitchen, so I made a dash for it.

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Out came the mobile phone, and before long, I was scrolling through memes on Twitter. Then a not-so-familiar smell hit my nostrils.

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Oh Shit!

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Don’t give a shit. Not to be a downer but, it’s kinda hard to really look at somebody and go: “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.” You just don’t. I know too much about life to have any optimism. I’m a pessimistic optimist these days. Why? Because I know that even if it’s nice, it’s going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you’ve just decided that something shitty is going to happen. Don’t do it!

Life happens, shit happens. And it happens a lot, to a lot of people. I wonder idly how long I can go without sleep before I flip my shit and start running down the street in my underwear, hallucinating talking furniture. That being said, there are four kinds of people to avoid in this world. The assholes, the asswipes, the asskissers, and those that just will shit all over you. They can all put you in deep shit, especially the last group. Figuratively and literally.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit. I hear a familiar sound from the great beyond.

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Being a good uncle, I have little or no choice. The look on her face helps me make up my mind pretty quickly.

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I picked her up and I noticed her laughter was an extra pitch higher. In hindsight, I now know that this is the clearest indication that the worst has already happened.

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Then it hit. It took all that was in me to refrain from throwing the whole baby away. Unfortunately, all that was in me, wasn’t enough.

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To the ladies that incessantly yap on about men not being shit, I’ll tell you this. One of the few times in a man’s life when he is not full of shit? The morning of a colonoscopy.  I mean, what on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? I would die of course. I’ll literally shit myself lifeless.

In the past, I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s some bullshit. It’s easy to talk big, but the important thing is whether or not you clean up the shit. Shit is basically the ‘tofu’ of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the writer desires. “Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I’m the shit.” Whatever the situation, just keep moving forward and don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do, for you. Be unapologetically you…

own that shit

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

 

598 thoughts on “Deep Shit”

  1. I seem to spend my life getting into, out of and / or cleaning up shit but it’s from dogs and horses.

    If my kids shit on me now they’d be in deep shit. They’re grown ass adults they don’t get away with shitting in their pants or throwing up in my hair.

    I still and quite regularly get myself into shit but it’s like an inbuilt thing I can’t stop and don’t imagine I ever will at this age. Like when the fuel light comes on in the car and tells me I need to refill. “Out of petrol you say? I’ll be the judge of that sunshine…” then I’ll coast and free-roll to see how far I can get out of the last few fumes (never the 10 miles my car reckons I always get about 25 miles) but the few times I have run out I ring my long suffering husband to tell him I’ve got myself up shit creek again and need him to come get me with a jerry can of fuel.

    Never bitches or complains though he just tuts / sighs and goes “FFS you shit bitch.. Right I’ll be there in half an hour”

    Being shit. It’s what I do 😀

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    1. Dogs and horses you say? 😂😂😂😂

      The kids know the one thing they simply cannot afford to do 😂

      Long suffering husband aka knight in shinning armor because you wouldn’t listen to technology 😂😂😂😂

      You’re on some of that good shit! 😂

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      1. It’s being challenged by the fuel light I won’t have it. If it didn’t tell me I needed to fill up I’d just fill it up but when it does it’s a bit “Challenge Accepted”

        When said husband gets slightly irked and goes “Will you just fill the fu@king car up??! You’re passing the station just turn off and fill up!!!”

        Me – “No… Don’t see why I should. Not the boss of me”

        An hour later “Hiya it’s me. Can you come get me from Norway? Run out of fuel”

        If you get your kids into dogs and horses at an early age they will never have enough money for drugs and alcohol. True story.

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        1. Hahaha, what the hell is that? You’re cracking me up. And you’re not one to shy away from a challenge! 😂😂😂😂

          Norway 😂😂😂😂

          I need to shop for a friendly horse so my son doesn’t get hooked on that powdery stuff! Gotcha

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          1. He’ll end up pots for rags but naturally. You’ll find him standing in the middle of a field screaming with laughter at his four legged friend having a mad bout of zoomies. Won’t ever need to pick him up wasted outside bars or from a police cell though so it evens out. Enjoy! xx

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          3. Hang on – last quick one cos it came up on the side recommendations. This sheep is kind of like me finding my way into shit creek. Rest of the family standing there just looking on ashamed “Oh for… leave her. Just leave her she has to learn”

            “Can you… Oh shit!! Can you ring your Dad? I’m stuck. Got stuck again” 😂😂😂

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  9. I related to that…*luxury of doing at the last minute😀 however for me the reasons are either that I totally forget about it or I think that I can be multitasking,but only to land up myself in a bit TROUBLE!!😯🤕😂😂
    And it really had me laughing , when you were being a really good uncle😃😀.I wonder if u are indeed experienced in reality the goodness of an uncle😜😜

    And yes’s..special mention about your pictorial creations..it just makes it so awesome✨🌟💕

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          13. Ohh!! 😃😃 props to u , sir😜
            But how do they both relate…I mean props and due respect?🤔🤔
            Or is it your one another invention😂😜

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