Deep Shit

~ Gottfried

Oh Shit! As humans, no matter how much you try, you almost always, at a certain point, find yourself in an ‘Oh shit!’ moment. To be in deep shit is to be in a bad situation because of something you have done(or not done). Deep shit also best describes your life when you’re pushing 40 and still experiencing bouts of foolishness. Do you know what they say about the 40-year-old fool? It’s for EVER!

Deep shit can be avoided. In my experience, it’s usually when I forget to do something that I had the luxury of doing until the last minute. Then it hits me, and I go, ‘oh shit’. A classic case is putting a pan on the fire and rushing to the bathroom to do a number. Not just any number. Number 2! It started off in the kitchen.

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I felt a wobble in my tummy.  You know it’s bad manners to fart in the kitchen, so I made a dash for it.

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Out came the mobile phone, and before long, I was scrolling through memes on Twitter. Then a not-so-familiar smell hit my nostrils.

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Oh Shit!

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Don’t give a shit. Not to be a downer but, it’s kinda hard to really look at somebody and go: “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.” You just don’t. I know too much about life to have any optimism. I’m a pessimistic optimist these days. Why? Because I know that even if it’s nice, it’s going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you’ve just decided that something shitty is going to happen. Don’t do it!

Life happens, shit happens. And it happens a lot, to a lot of people. I wonder idly how long I can go without sleep before I flip my shit and start running down the street in my underwear, hallucinating talking furniture. That being said, there are four kinds of people to avoid in this world. The assholes, the asswipes, the asskissers, and those that just will shit all over you. They can all put you in deep shit, especially the last group. Figuratively and literally.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit. I hear a familiar sound from the great beyond.

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Being a good uncle, I have little or no choice. The look on her face helps me make up my mind pretty quickly.

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I picked her up and I noticed her laughter was an extra pitch higher. In hindsight, I now know that this is the clearest indication that the worst has already happened.

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Then it hit. It took all that was in me to refrain from throwing the whole baby away. Unfortunately, all that was in me, wasn’t enough.

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To the ladies that incessantly yap on about men not being shit, I’ll tell you this. One of the few times in a man’s life when he is not full of shit? The morning of a colonoscopy.  I mean, what on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? I would die of course. I’ll literally shit myself lifeless.

In the past, I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s some bullshit. It’s easy to talk big, but the important thing is whether or not you clean up the shit. Shit is basically the ‘tofu’ of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the writer desires. “Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I’m the shit.” Whatever the situation, just keep moving forward and don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks. Do what you have to do, for you. Be unapologetically you…

own that shit

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

 

598 thoughts on “Deep Shit”

  1. I think you just cannot avoid shit in life, so you get ready everytime and move on QUICK, when it happens.
    Great piece! I enjoyed it.

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  5. Holy shit. 🙏😂This was so amazing. “Shit is basically the ‘tofu’ of cursing” — that one was my favourite line. Brilliant! :)))) The whole kidpoop scenario was super funny as well. Loved it. :))

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  6. My own SHIT is when I’m in the bathroom showering at night, I mean thick night, and after applying my concentrated liquid bathing soap on my face, suddenly, “poom!”, NEPA takes the light, the knob of my shower pulls off and I finally reach for the door with soap in my eyes and nacked because my towel just fell inside the toilet, on reaching for the door, a female visitor reaches for the handled of the same door at the same time with me, the door opens and we both say sorry at the same time, “Boom!” The light is back. Oh no! 🙊 This can’t be an ordinary SHIT, “miss visitor, are you the SHIT in human form?”

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    2. You know, sometimes, there is this rumbling stomach you’ll have, it will make you not to think well. It was still this same SHIT she wanted to go and pass out, after eating spaghetti Bolognese of #5000 coupled with 2 litres of orange juice and 3 plates of dangerously peppered Kpomo.

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