How To Avoid Stress

~ Gottfried

Don’t go to work. What’s the worst that will happen? You get the sack, and so? Is that the end of the world? My dear, do yourself a favor and take some time off to take a well-deserved nap. Because know this, if you died today, they’d have interviewed and given an offer letter to your replacement by the end of the week. If you’re unemployed and living with your parents, you shouldn’t say a word about being stressed. You are The Stress. Move out!

Change those clothes. It’s astounding how much ones stress level goes down with the simple act of switching from skinny jeans to yoga pants. Can you imagine that there are some psychopaths that are able to sleep with jeans on? I think, once a month, employees should be allowed to show up at work in their favorite pajamas. The output that day will be on steroids!

Let it ring. Sometimes your phone rings and as you look at the caller, it might say a name on the call log, but between us, you know that whoever they are, they are about to stress you. Do not pick! I must warn that unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to the individuals who unceremoniously brought you into this world. Unless of cause, you’re trying to leave this world. In which case, go for it.

Kill a few people. My Doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing. That being said, I’ll start with my Human Resource Manager. At least with her out of the picture, who else would care if I showed up late. Then to my extended family on both sides. A few of them have overstayed their welcome on planet Earth. So I’ll be invoking an involuntary timeout.

Eat. If you feel a stress bout coming, order a pie. Don’t try to bake it from scratch, you’ll be tempting fate. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. Life would be a million times better if there were pizza boxes strategically placed throughout the day. You know, the same way it is with idiots. Whenever I feel stressed and sad. I just go to my happy place. The fridge. I also do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding, I drink wine.

Listen to music. Music is food for the soul. One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. Although, loud music at 2 a.m., under the shower, does wonders to your mind. Another way you can get by is by plugging in your headphones and shutting out the world. Anything from Avicii or Owl City will do. Also, you’re not doing it right if you aren’t singing those lyrics at the top of your voice and constituting a nuisance.

Dispose. Stress is really the trash of modern life. We all generate it but if you don’t dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life. Life is too short to stress yourself with people who don’t even deserve to be an issue anymore. Studies show that women who do a lot of stress shopping, tend to live longer than the men they date who own credit cards. WIN-LOSE situation. Depending on what side of the table you are.

Waiter: Savings or current?

Me: (Clutches chest and faints)

My Date: Somebody call an ambulance!

To relieve stress. If you’re unfortunately stressed, experts suggest you hit the gym to help release it. What they don’t tell you is that hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that caused the stress to begin with. Whatever the situation, always have this at the back of your mind. It is what it is. It was what it is. It will be what it will be.

Don’t stress it.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

620 thoughts on “How To Avoid Stress”

  2. Well, your advise sounds good, but … a few problems …

    I stopped going to work in 2008 … 12 years ago … and I’m still stressed

    I change clothes at least once every day … still stressed

    I keep my ringer turned off, and have a blocking program that blocks all calls except for 5 close family/friends … still stressed

    Um … if I kill a few people, I’ll land in jail where I’ll be even MORE stressed

    I can’t eat … I’m too stressed

    I listen to music all the time … still stressed

    Yesterday, I disposed of all the leftovers in the fridge that were covered in fuzzy stuff … STILL STRESSED!

    In short, I think I’ll find a new therapist … you have only made me more … STRESSED!!!

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  5. I don’t know but to a very large extent I’m comfortable sleeping in jeans ooo
    The times I’ve slept naked, it feels like somebody’s gonna rape me 😒😒😒😏

    Liked by 3 people

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  8. “Life would be a million times better if there were pizza boxes strategically placed throughout the day.”
    I’m trying this out

    Liked by 4 people

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