Why You Shouldn’t Have Kids

Global warming. If you’re still trying to have a child at this point, you’re rooting for human extinction. We’re in a pandemic, don’t create another pandemic. If you hate doing laundry, that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be considering it. Why would laundry exceed more than one load per week? Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Do you like your brief features? Think again, my friend. You might just be setting your kid up to be bullied.

You like to have money. Are you trying to make the wife lose her job? It spells less income for the family and an extra mouth to feed. Even as an armchair economist, you know this is a terrible idea. Heck, if you like your job, there’s no real reason to be giving it up. The task of shaping another human being should be left to the professionals. Did you turn out great? Where is the notion that you can raise a whole other human to turn great coming from?

You value your friends. Married couples with kids can count their friends on one hand. Friendships inevitably change after the birth of a child, most times for the worse. Once you have a kid, the chances of having friends around your house reduce by a country mile. Furthermore, if you enjoy spontaneous outings with friends, having a kid eliminates that possibility. Nobody is trying to come over to watch ‘Finding Dory’ with you, when the game is on!

A strain on your relationship. Marriages tend to suffer after the birth of a child. Whatever happened to getting to know your spouse first? Enjoy traveling to all the major cities. Because if/when a kid comes around, that’s the end of all the fun. You spend the rest of your youthful days working and sacrificing for them. If you would like things to stay exactly the way they are with your partner, don’t do it! Travelling with kids would have you questioning why you imagined it was a good idea at all.

Kids are whiny and needy. Not only are kids very needy and demanding, but they’re also not eligible to work according to labor laws. So not only do you have an extra mouth to feed, but it is also unemployed, adding insult to the pre-existing injury. If you like to eat meals sitting down, with real cutlery. It’s really not for you. They start with a spoon, and finish with their fingers! Also, if you like exercising aggressively, away from the view of everyone else, don’t have kids! The irony in this!

You like to sleep. If you enjoy taking power naps without worrying about some crack head falling off the balcony, then think again. Personally, I don’t think kids are for everyone. I’ve met some of you, who will fall dead asleep with zero awareness. Entrusting the care of a whole other human to you spells chaos. Plus your patience runs thin with adults, what’s stopping you from throwing the whole kid away? Kids say ‘no’ for fun, and they walk around like they own the place.

For fear of regret? Many people have kids because they “don’t want to regret not having them” or because others threaten they will. There is also the illusion that others are experiencing more pleasure, success, or fulfillment in their lives. Deep down, they secretly wish they were you. Free of responsibilities. You won’t regret having done things much more than regret things you’ve done. I’ve never shat myself under pressure. Any regrets? Nope!

I know there will be some moms and dads who would vehemently dispute the genius in what I have penned down. Don’t listen to them! “Oh Kids are adorable, they’re the sweetest”. All lies! Matter of fact, they’ve been trapped and are suffering Stockholm Syndrome. So the next time a video is making rounds on your social of an adorable looking assassin. Unlook, mute, and block all the individuals responsible for it. What is a home without children?

Quiet

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