Why You Shouldn’t Have Kids

~ Gottfried

Global warming. If you’re still trying to have a child at this point, you’re rooting for human extinction. We’re in a pandemic, don’t create another pandemic. If you hate doing laundry, that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be considering it. Why would laundry exceed more than one load per week? Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Do you like your brief features? Think again, my friend. You might just be setting your kid up to be bullied.

You like to have money. Are you trying to make the wife lose her job? It spells less income for the family and an extra mouth to feed. Even as an armchair economist, you know this is a terrible idea. Heck, if you like your job, there’s no real reason to be giving it up. The task of shaping another human being should be left to the professionals. Did you turn out great? Where is the notion that you can raise a whole other human to turn great coming from?

You value your friends. Married couples with kids can count their friends on one hand. Friendships inevitably change after the birth of a child, most times for the worse. Once you have a kid, the chances of having friends around your house reduce by a country mile. Furthermore, if you enjoy spontaneous outings with friends, having a kid eliminates that possibility. Nobody is trying to come over to watch ‘Finding Dory’ with you, when the game is on!

A strain on your relationship. Marriages tend to suffer after the birth of a child. Whatever happened to getting to know your spouse first? Enjoy traveling to all the major cities. Because if/when a kid comes around, that’s the end of all the fun. You spend the rest of your youthful days working and sacrificing for them. If you would like things to stay exactly the way they are with your partner, don’t do it! Travelling with kids would have you questioning why you imagined it was a good idea at all.

Kids are whiny and needy. Not only are kids very needy and demanding, but they’re also not eligible to work according to labor laws. So not only do you have an extra mouth to feed, but it is also unemployed, adding insult to the pre-existing injury. If you like to eat meals sitting down, with real cutlery. It’s really not for you. They start with a spoon, and finish with their fingers! Also, if you like exercising aggressively, away from the view of everyone else, don’t have kids! The irony in this!

You like to sleep. If you enjoy taking power naps without worrying about some crack head falling off the balcony, then think again. Personally, I don’t think kids are for everyone. I’ve met some of you, who will fall dead asleep with zero awareness. Entrusting the care of a whole other human to you spells chaos. Plus your patience runs thin with adults, what’s stopping you from throwing the whole kid away? Kids say ‘no’ for fun, and they walk around like they own the place.

For fear of regret? Many people have kids because they “don’t want to regret not having them” or because others threaten they will. There is also the illusion that others are experiencing more pleasure, success, or fulfillment in their lives. Deep down, they secretly wish they were you. Free of responsibilities. You won’t regret having done things much more than regret things you’ve done. I’ve never shat myself under pressure. Any regrets? Nope!

I know there will be some moms and dads who would vehemently dispute the genius in what I have penned down. Don’t listen to them! “Oh Kids are adorable, they’re the sweetest”. All lies! Matter of fact, they’ve been trapped and are suffering Stockholm Syndrome. So the next time a video is making rounds on your social of an adorable looking assassin. Unlook, mute, and block all the individuals responsible for it. What is a home without children?

Quiet

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

754 thoughts on “Why You Shouldn’t Have Kids”

  4. Haha.

    Children are really amazing species. One minute they’re adorable and the next minute they’re “assassins”.

    I always have headaches over my mother’s kids. That’s borrowed headache. I’ve actually thought out ways to prevent headaches from my own kids. One of which is to seal their lips with a sealing tapes, tie them up and put them in their cribs. This way I can accomplish whatever I want to
    without stress. 😂

    I also hate it when babies cry. Why on earth should a baby wake up in the middle of the night to cry? The worst is that you can’t even ask them for explanations. You just keep doing “trial and error” to solve whatever it is they’re crying about. Lucky for you if you get the answers to their problems early enough.

    I love kids. No doubt. But can they just be cute and calm without causing troubles? I’m obviously asking for too much.😂

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    1. Borrowed headache. I wasn’t ready 😂. You’re a bully! 😂😂😂

      They’re programmed to only cry in the middle of the night. 😁😁

      I know you love kids. They can’t oh. It would make them adults 😂

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  5. Becoming preachy, Gottfried? I’m guessing you don’t have kids. Even Anderson Cooper now has a kid – the newest twist on immaculate conception. I hope you’re not saying no to sex. With improved contraception, sex has become sport, with abortion like the penalty box in hockey.

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      1. 10 reasons why children are the best thing that can happen to us.

        Sometimes I want a break from stress, worries, the speed with which I juggle various aspects of my life, pressures on my shoulders and responsibilities. I want to forget, to run. Disconnect to… connect to something else. Something calmer, deeper, to give meaning to the whole agitation.

        But I can say with all my heart – nothing compares to being around children. Just to hear the noise of a group of children or to have eye contact with a naughty kid and I’m like new. How so? What is the “charm” that these little individuals have on me? Some of the reasons they are so dear to me: Their joy! Children are happy for no particular reason, just “that’s why”! Their eyes twinkle, they speak loudly and they move their body in a way full of energy! And this is so invigorating! And we receive it for free, just pricking up our ears when we pass a school or watching for a second the children we intersect with every day. (Those who have their own children can benefit from this in almost any second!)

        Simplicity Sometimes adults complicate things unnecessarily. My little boy often reminds me that simplicity is the key: like when to go to the park I prepare a bag with water, fruits, jackets, hats, games, etc. and he says: “let’s just go!”.

        Purity A child’s gaze has something I rarely see in the eyes of adults: that purity, that vulnerability through which it shows itself to the world without fear. Prosperity and perseverance Children are untouched by the fears, fears, limiting beliefs of adults and because of this they have a completely different perspective on what is possible and do not give up what they set out to do. One day a little girl asked me, when I was in the park, to help her untie the butterfly caught in the lime tree under which she was playing badminton. I tried a few times and said, “You can’t,” and then I left. When I get there again, in an hour, he put down the flyer! When I asked her how, she told me she threw the paddle until she succeeded! (I hadn’t taken this into account so as not to ruin the palette) The trust and faith he gives us. A child will believe what you tell him (until proven otherwise) and will give you more than the presumption of innocence. Somehow similar to that saying “be the person your dog thinks you are”, something like that with the little ones. They see us higher than we are and this is a chance to rise to this level! The moment now! Yes, we all pay bills, we have deadlines, pressures, regrets. From three possible times, the past and the future most often dispute their territory over our minds, absorbing us in a whirlwind of worries and concerns that disconnect us from the most important time: the present. But try to think of bills in the presence of a child with those glittering eyes who are praying for you to play at the construction site or car racing! And once caught in the game, everything gets a different perspective. The bills no longer seem so relevant after you took part in an intergalactic battle between horsemen! The ultimate test: are you in balance? The presence of a child will test you, it will demand you in a completely different way from the one in which adults do it. And if you are in balance, you will face the test. If not, all sorts of negative emotions will appear, a sign that there are still wounds that will heal and questions that have not been answered in us. Fun Being around kids is just funny! They smile, giggle, are put on their toes, on jokes and laugh loudly from mouth to ear. Who doesn’t like a portion of that? Lack of categorization The little ones do not have our adult boxes to separate and frame things, objects, people, phenomena. My little boy heard someone say “look at those gypsies!” and turning his head in that direction, not knowing what the word meant, he said, “They are not gypsies, they are children.” Great, isn’t it? Connecting with the child in us The time spent with the children is very precious if you give yourself completely. For a few moments you disconnected from the world, from the thoughts that flow and you connected to something else. To the child in front of you. The present. To be, not to do. In a world where anything is possible. And if you give yourself completely to the moment, at the end of it you will be calmer, more energetic, more smiling, more you because you will have remembered the most important things in life: joy, tolerance, purity, imagination without limits, confidence, the moment now. Thank you, dear children, for everything you offer us!

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