Mr President

When I was a boy, I was told anybody could be President. Looking at who we have in office in my country and the other clown in the white house, I’m starting to believe it. I’ve always wanted to be President. Of the country, of the department of my school? It didn’t matter, just put me in charge. I am a born leader. I mean you will be clamoring for me to be impeached, sacked, and summarily executed in two weeks. Either way, we’ll be making history. You’ll get to witness the mundane to the downright ridiculous.

You see, being President is like running a cemetery. You’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody is listening. Being President wouldn’t change who I am. If anything it will reveal my true self, a tyrant. I would totally enjoy being President. I get a cool house. We’re having cookouts at the backyard every weekend. What’s even sweeter is that I can make just a sentence and trigger two hundred million people. That’s some serious power right there.

As President, anybody I decide to kill is a terrorist. Regardless of your track record. My landlady better find an underground bunker to live in because it’s coming!  Also, after a divorce, the child will get custody of the parents. They become the ward. If you think that’s bad, wait till you hear what I have planned for the elderly. There wouldn’t be any old people’s homes. You will be forced to live with your parents until they breathe their last. It will be your civic responsibility.

There are many advantages to being President. The day after I’m elected, I’ll have my college grades classified as Top Secret. Nobody needs to find out their President was an airhead in school. All evidence that I existed before 2017 will be deleted forever from the history books. All my classmates, College and University, will be taken to concentration camps where they will be joined by my mathematics teacher for some light exercises. Tying up all the loose ends.

As President, I’ll give Interviews on the Toilet. I will be one of the most brazenly unapologetic presidents ever. Do things my own way and not care what anybody thinks about it. And you know with that kind of spirit, you can expect that I’d also be open to urinating in the public. Imagine stopping the Presidential envoy to urinate in the parking lot of the House Office Building as the urge takes me. Even the neutrals will be won over by this fine gesture.

Won’t joke when it comes to kids. The children are the leaders of tomorrow, and it must remain that way. I am the leader of today, they must get it into their thick skulls. On the bright side, all the kids will be forced to get an education. Those that perform poorly at school will be sent to join the military. Courses will be chosen for the rest. Fashion design, psychology, and all of that western nonsense will be abolished. You’re either an engineer, doctor, lawyer, or bastard.

I’ll have a pet parrot. Matter of fact I’ll go a step further for teaching the parrot swear words. To cuss like a sailor. This lovely bird will accompany me wherever I go. If I need to cuss someone out, best believe I’m giving the parrot a go-ahead to do my dirty business. I’ll also own a pair of pet Lions and a black bear. None of that dog and cat nonsense. I have to send a clear message to the people I rule that I am not a man to be messed with. Literally and figuratively. I have legendary farts.

On the bright side, I’ll also be a licensed bartender. President by day, bartender by night. A good bartender is well-versed in many of the skills required to hold office. For real, a bartender is organized, prepared, quick-thinking, skilled in time management and problem-solving, diplomatic, and charismatic. These are qualities most people would like to see in a political leader. So why not both? Eventually, I’ll open a Whiskey Distillery in my name as part of my legacy.

A President should be a tough nut. And that’s why I’ll organize boxing and wrestling matches in the Presidential Villa. It’s no secret that whoever defeats me in any tournament will be summarily executed. Roosevelt may have lost an eye, but not me. I’m having none of that heroic nonsense. You land a heavy blow and it’s off with your head. The best part about being President is that I will get away with any and everything. It’s a thing Presidents do. And as for the youths, the only thing they care about is…

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