Necessary Violence

Violence is not funny. But you can’t deny that sometimes, some people just need a high-five, in the face, with a chair. I don’t like violence but I don’t mind if I get hit by luck. Violence might not be the answer, but it’s an option. The examiner wouldn’t have included it if they didn’t think someone would choose it. You could argue that an eye for an eye, the whole world could end up blind. You can’t fix stupid, but you can numb it with a 2×4.

Hot temper. Some people claim to have a temper, but when they are faced by a force greater than theirs, they find a way to stand down. Parents say that video games are making the younger generation violent. I think that’s rich of them to say. Considering they’ve been playing monopoly for years and they aren’t millionaires yet. I haven’t lost my temper. I know exactly where it is. And if you’re still within reach in thirty seconds, you’ll see it for yourself.

No other choice.  If violence does not solve your problem, you’re clearly not using enough of it. People laugh at you repeatedly hitting the remote controller when it stops working. The laughter turns into awe when it starts working after that. It makes you think! It’s like getting punched in the face and then your response is to start laughing. Whoever punched you will immediately start reconsidering their very existence. You should try it. In the face of adversity, start laughing. It works in movies.

Mosquitoes. Sometimes you need to face your problems squarely. It doesn’t matter that blood will flow, they are bloodsuckers anyway. What’s worse is that they wouldn’t operate quietly. They announce their arrival, rob you, and still hang around to terrorize you throughout the night. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Mosquitoes are like family. They are annoying, but they also carry your blood. If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

Women. Break the silence. Whenever you witness violence against women and girls, do not sit back. If it’s men and boys, you’re free to turn a blind eye. It serves them right for refusing to help out in the kitchen.  After all, “there’s no reason to hit a woman”. What a joke! I can think of a lot of reasons to hit a woman, you just don’t do it. Going forward, I think we should push the agenda for equal opportunity ass-whooping.

Groping. I’m generally averse to holding hands. Whatever gave you the nerve to come rest on my shoulder? Now with this comes a zero-tolerance for stupidity. What kind of animal do you have to be to grope a lady while we march during a protest. Unless you need a facelift. If it’s done right, when the entire exercise is over, you should look Chinese. The crazy thing about these poor excuses for human beings is that you can catch them making statements like, “no one respects women more than I do.”

Bullying. Ubadike on most days is one of the nicest people you’d ever meet. But if you catch him on a wrong day, anything you see, you collect. Mr Julius the hostel warden didn’t get the memo, despite our warnings. After screaming his name TWICE to get him to wake up, he made the grave mistake of hitting Ubadike with a piece of wood. What happened next was straight out of a movie scene.  Ubadike jumped down from the bed, grabbed Mr Julius by the waist, and gave him six strokes of the belt. It was glorious!

Violence is not the answer, violence is the question. And the answer is yes. Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon. Whenever I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’. You see, people have to understand this. I don’t hate you. It’s just that sometimes, I just want to touch your face with a shovel…really hard. Other than that, we’re good. Whatever the case, for what it’s worth…

I’d kill for a Nobel peace prize

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