Why Women Live Longer

~ Gottfried

Everywhere in the world women live longer than men. Historically, men started smoking earlier and heavier than women. As a matter of knowledge, any effect of smoking on life expectancy shows in males first. Now, why did man ever feel the need to smoke a cigarette? What, or more appropriately, who was stressing him out that much? Take a wild guess. Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bills does.

Healthy feeding habits. Cooking is a survival instinct and some brothers just haven’t got a hang of it. So you don’t like your own cooking. As a consequence of this, on some days you have oxygen and silence for dinner. The lady on the other end of the spectrum with a bowl of vegetables will surely outlive you. It’s not far fetched. Of course, this is bar a few psychos who wake up at 2 am to eat starch and cancel out the good work.

Spending. Every time I spend money, I lose a little blood. We’ve been paying for dates for so long, this shit needs to stop. You pay for her transport to and fro too! Daylight robbery! Chasing women is actually a ridiculous sport. I absolutely do not recommend it. It ends in sorrow and anguish. If you could see the splurge of cash these ladies have in their bank accounts, you will think twice before parting with your hard-earned money. The money they always need urgently.

Daring. You see with men, they always think, “Oh here’s a stupid idea, how can we make it a lot more stupid?”. Because frankly there’s no explanation as to why you’re jumping through a roof on a broom hoping to land safely in the artificial pool you created. Most times, the stupid doesn’t come from one source, it’s the mates egging you on that should ultimately be blamed. The most daring thing women ever do is block you across all social platforms.

Crying. Women cry. A lot. I mean this is the most obvious of the lot. Women will always find a reason to cry. Happy? Cry. Excited? Cry. Sad? Cry. The one that pisses me off is ladies that cry at proposals! Why are you crying? If you don’t dry those eyes and go collect that ring! What’s wrong with you for God’s sake? Did dust particles find their way into your eyes? Ladies, please fix-up. If he proposes to you and it comes as a surprise, I can only assume that you’re most likely blind, or very slow, or both.

Pain. Women have unlocked hidden thresholds to pain. They go through labor and childbirth. It’s almost like they’ve already tasted death. And as a reward, they get to stay at home to take care of the kids. And some women have the nerve to say that being a mom is the most difficult job in the world. To that I say, any job you can do in your pajamas is not a real job. All they do at home is watch their favorite TV shows and send the kids to bed early on some trumped-up charges.

Rocket science. Men are biologically and sociologically at a disadvantage from the time they’re conceived to the time they die. It’s also no secret that women take better care of their health. Men often deny illness.  They minimize symptoms because they don’t want to go to a doctor and find out something is wrong. You suspect you’ve got AIDS, it’s time to come to terms with it. You might be lucky, it could just be good old syphilis.

Ultimately, the reason women live longer is that they stress the men to death. Complaining nonstop about being stressed themselves. As soon as a woman comes into your life, you immediately start losing hair. Know what else causes hair loss? Cancer, that’s what. I’ve never seen or heard of a man that got his edges back from a new relationship. Matter of fact, you’re lucky if all you lose is hair. And those men who are lucky to escape the stress of a woman…

still die of natural causes

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

488 thoughts on “Why Women Live Longer”

  3. Lolss

    “Ladies, please fix-up. If he proposes to you and it comes as a surprise, I can only assume that you’re most likely blind, or very slow, or both.”

    Lolss, I used to say this a whole lot! I still believe this🤣… but considering my cousin who also used to say this cried at her own proposal… I don’t even know man.

    I’m beginning to believe it’s either reflex or most of emm ladies are trying to rub their dudes ego and make him happy.🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

    PS: If men think life is painful, they should try being guaranteed of excruciating pain that feels like you’re dying for at least three days of your life every month of every year for every year of your life… Lolss

    Liked by 14 people

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      1. Dear Lord! Can He have my periods pleaseeee🥺😭😭

        I’d deal with every other stuff, just give him the pain. I know He’s man enough to handle it… I meannn … What’s a little pain to someone so macho… Help the weak Lord😩😩

        Liked by 4 people

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  4. This brought to mind Dave Allen’s thoughts on Adam and Eve and in particular, God coming down and having a conversation with Eve about what’s off limits.

    “He tells her she can enjoy any fruit from any tree in the garden with the exception of one fruit tree. He’s talking to a WOMAN. He tells her NOT to eat the fruit of the tree and she says “Which tree?” and he says “That one over there” HE ACTUALLY POINTS IT OUT TO HER!”

    The exasperation in his voice is gold

    Liked by 10 people

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  5. Women are an endless pain in the arse and I would not be a man for any amount of money on Earth. Seriously it’s rough being male. Not even male dogs get off lightly as I type my female dog is bitch slapping and trying to entice the male dog into having a play-fight with her but he’s giving the side eye knowing if he responds and gives anything back she’s gonna whip round and snap all “GET OFF LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

    Poor lad looks “I dunno what to… do you really wanna play or not? I’m confused”

    Liked by 12 people

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    1. Haha, that’s a first. This is the first time I’m seeing being a man look like the terrible option. And you make a solid point about dogs. They’re forced to be promiscuous and tagged rapists 😅

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      1. Seriously. We’re allowed to cry, be moody, know how to change a car tyre or fix shit and we’re allowed to be crap at things, weak and pathetic and it’s OK for us to be as soggy as a twice dunked rich tea biscuit – BECAUSE we can be all “I’m a woman you’re just being horrid so now I’m gonna cry and have a period”

        Men are expected to be strong like bull, have it all together at all times and be this solid unflappable support / the backbone for everyone and everything. Even though I’d like to think we live in a world where that’s an archaic wildly outdated stereotypical view, I’m too old and wise to believe that’s the case and think men are harder on themselves to meet all of the aforementioned criteria.

        The day women are given full and total equality will be the day tens of thousands of cars will be broken down with smoke pouring from under the bonnet, no tyres and more kids than usual sorely disappointed at their new toys and bikes going unassembled on Christmas Day. Spiders will have an absolute field day living in bathrooms and bedrooms.

        When my kids were little, I got to watch them unwrap their Christmas presents then my husband, his brother or my brothers would spend the rest of the day getting putting up a new Disney Princess bed canopy or trying to figure out how the fuck to put that giant Telescope together.

        You know what I did? Shoved a lemon up a turkey’s arse and put it in the oven for a few hours 😂 😂 😂

        Liked by 8 people

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        1. Haha, it’s interesting that you used the word ‘given’ when it comes to equality. What’s stopping women from taking it themselves?

          I believe that women secretly love the benefits of the patriarchy they claim to hate. The “benefits” as you’ve mentioned are endless.

          Using periods to mask terrible attitude being chief of them.

          You’re a legend 😂😊😊

          Liked by 3 people

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          1. I’m not popular with a lot of the sistahood but honestly, I think many have done more harm to the cause by suddenly taking issue and being outraged, offended and either really believing they’re being treated unjustly and unfairly or just too dumb to use a pedestrian crossing without supervision.

            Women have historically been known for being the stronger, generally smarter of the species because (a phrase used often in sheepdog training) we know when to be big and when to be small. Sometimes you do need to be big and make it known in no uncertain terms but not too much or too often or you’re just all yap and the sheep stop taking notice.

            Often it pays to seem smaller, nonthreatening and it’s much smarter to let things tick over quietly away without feeling the need to prove a point or be constantly acknowledged. Sheep follow each other and are much easier when they’re just following the others and talking trash about how they’d never take shit from any dog rather than realising a dog is behind them the whole time.

            See? “Up here for thinking, down there for dancing” 😉

            Liked by 6 people

          3. They do and my eldest dog can straight up shift cocky sheep in a second just by giving them full on “eye” There used to be one cocky bastard in the field behind ours and whenever we were on the footpath that ran alongside it, this one sheep would start getting all full of himself, stamping his foot at her and she wouldn’t even glance his way if he didn’t do that but he did – and she wouldn’t have it.

            Almost went “Hang on two seconds… lemme just go sort this cocker little fucker” and she’d turn back, eyeball him through the fence and he’d leg it all “OK OK I’m going.. Gawd stressy!”

            Then she’s come catch me up again like nothing happened.

            This is what happens when you do too much shouting, bawling and being just a gobby bastard. You get chased by the sheep. 😂

            Liked by 4 people

          5. My entire life is nonsense it’s not even funny at times just exasperating. Trying train a young, inexperienced dog that gets totally distracted by a rogue crisp packet caught up in a gust of wind and fucks off after it at 100mph is one of those “Oh you are taking… DOG!!!!” Six mile crisp packet chase across fields and farmland through gardens and over someone’s fence and all the time “Sorry… sorry do apologise I just need to catch up with my.. well with that special bastard there – yeah the one chasing an empty packet of salt and vinegar”

            That actually happened more than once with the aforementioned bad-ass sheepdog Puddi when she was younger. Her other best most favourite thing to do off the clock is make a magical “find” somewhere behind the bin like this rogue button mushroom.

            She dug out that little mushroom, rolled on it and threw it about the place for a good solid hour no word of a lie 😀

            Liked by 4 people

          7. You see, whenever anyone claims that women are ‘weaker vessels’, I wonder why they fail to see how mosquitos have killed millions of people – a feat the elephant cannot boast off.

            The weakness of woman is the bane of men’s strength. If women are weaker, it means that men are weak too.

            Women are stronger, smarter and sweeter than men, so says a wannabe feminist. 🤣🤣🤣

            Liked by 3 people

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