The Seven Magic Sentences

It worked. “You sure?” to which the response is always, “Yeah damn right I’m sure”. Half the time things work for me, I can’t help but think I’m lucky it worked because I’d have looked really stupid if it didn’t. And if it didn’t work, the only excuse I’d have is that it worked in my head. Everything works out in the end, if it hasn’t worked out yet, then it’s not the end. This doesn’t apply to marriages though, if it’s not working, you should definitely get a fourth wife.

Get out! “What? Are you being serious? I didn’t even see anything!” Sometimes you just need to get out of your own way. I still feel my boss gets a bit dramatic with it when a department is underperforming. Screaming at the top of your lungs won’t dramatically increase productivity. Sometimes just fire a few people, make things interesting. Nobody knows who’s gonna get the boot next. If you don’t get out of your shell, you are just a nut. In a nutshell, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Did you take out the trash? “Oh shit”. Ah, I’m sorry mom but the roaches have taken over the kitchen. I had to take out the trash but I never did. It’s the leading cause of arguments between parents and kids these days. One party can’t fathom how the other can live with the stench, the other just doesn’t get why it’s such a big deal. What kids don’t realize is that taking out the trash is a life lesson. It’s why a lot of them still have friends they’re not proud of. It’s never too late to take out the trash unless you live in a bin.

Turn in your paper. As soon as you hear these magic words, your palms become sweaty and your sweat starts to sweat. For some, their brains stop working and they are enveloped by panic. You look down at your script and you know even if your Professor was drunk, there’s still no hope. And then the day comes for the test results to be shared. If your scoresheet is handed to you half folded, you just know that your village people have won, because ain’t no way you did great on the test.

I do. “You do what, drugs?” Whatever I do, I do it because I want to do it and because it’s 100% completely me. I’m not a competitor, I do it strictly for me. Every weekend, I do what I love the most, absolutely nothing. If I tell you I need you, do not take it lightly. I do everything I can to not depend on anyone, to never show weakness. And if I say that I need you, I am trusting you to catch me if I fall. If your hands are made out of jelly, you just ruined things for the next person.

Get off me. “Dude, we’re wrestling, it’s what I’m supposed to be doing”. Trying to give this lady CPR and she wakes up screaming that she’d much rather die. We live in perilous times. I’d have used a breath mint, but it was 2 in the morning. Maybe if you get off your high horse and stopped thinking the world revolved around you, people would care what you felt. I know I’m a bit crazy, and that’s all part of my charm. If you don’t like it, then get off my unicorn.

Are you hungry? “I’m always hungry”. Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Food is a romantic gesture, it is symbolic of love when words are inadequate. If you’ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it. I’m always hungry, or tired, or both. I feel like however I die, my last words are going to be, “But I’m still hungry”. Are you hungry for attention, craving success, longing for intimacy? Be aware of your weaknesses. Bring them to God…

Before satan brings them to you