Are You Lost

~ Gottfried

I’m not lost. To be lost, you have to know where it is you’re supposed to be. And I don’t even know that. Lose weight? Try dieting. I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is 14 days. The first thing you lose on a diet is your humor. You might not know this, but all that cholesterol intake is great for your humor. It’s why I like my chicken marinated and deep-fried. There’s nothing funnier than a guy making jokes with a piece of chicken in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.

I can see exactly where I want to be. I just can’t see how I will ever get there. I mean, I want to be rich and famous.  I already know how I’d spend a million dollars, it just hasn’t come yet. He who learns but does not think is lost. He who thinks but does not learn is in grave danger. I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks. Why am I here? Who sent me? When do they want me back? I must confess, my heart is lost. The beasts have eaten it.

Losing my mind. The next time I lose my mind, I swear I’m not even going to look for it anymore. I may not have completely lost my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere. I put my heart and soul into my work, and I have lost my mind in the process. Drug addicts are funny that way. Just spinning around, lost in their own little world. Doing so much, yet accomplishing so little. How sad. On the bright side, imagine this. All the weight you lose, going to the person you hate.

Missing. If I ever go missing, I would like my picture to be put on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me. Oh, you lost your cell phone on vibrate? If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. No, I didn’t lose my mind, it got scared and ran away. In the life of a real writer, nothing is ever lost, no word you write is a waste of time or energy. Such a shame I’m a fake writer.

Hiding. Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms, at the mall, hiding from their children. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. And nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it. Trying to find a knife to make a sandwich in the middle of the night. No one does a better disappearing act like cutlery. Not even Houdini. One minute you have fifteen spoons, ten forks, and twelve knives. The next minute you’re eating with your hands because you can’t find any.

By choice. To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness. Though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. And that’s why you need to be surrounded by the right kind of people to guarantee all three. True friendship is like sound health. The value of it is seldom known until it is lost. You don’t lose friends, because real friends can never be lost. You lose people masquerading as friends, and you’re better for it. Be your own best friend.

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep. Stuck in reverse. Find a light. Lights will guide you home. Nothing like riding in a cop car after a long night partying with friends. In the end, getting lost is just another way of saying ‘going exploring’. I really hope you enjoyed reading this.

Good, now get lost.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

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362 thoughts on “Are You Lost”

  1. Man you got some good shit here. Humor is a good tag for it but I feel it on a real level, beyond amusement. I dunno how long you’ve been alive or writing cuz I just read it and had to respond without further investigation, but you seem to have put into words something I’ve known but could not convey like a God bomb of wisdom.
    Stay lost, and do no pity those looking to find, for we all have our own paths.

    Liked by 2 people

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  4. That’s right….not all who wander r lost. U must’ve seen me just walking around aimlessly. I was told to slow down and smell the roses. Well a half decent rose bush is hard to find. Why couldn’t they have said just flowers 🤷‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Are You Lost? — Banter Republic – Forty Something Life As We Know It

  8. Haha what makes this article so funny is you’ve combined pretty much all cliches and idioms into one article! Great points made though – hiding, missing, losing… yes mate.

    Liked by 1 person

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