Resolute Resolutions

I can’t believe it’s a year since I didn’t become a better person. No one knows the future, yet we can’t stop guessing while expecting only the good, and not the bad or even both. You should spend more time on your feet. Take a walk every day or at the very least consider it. Also, teach the kids. Give them a reason to be grateful. Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best. Because resolutions are like babies. They’re fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain. Babies here applies to both infants and women.

I’m opening a gym called Resolutions. It will have exercise equipment for the first month of the year and then it will turn into a cafeteria for the remaining eleven months. I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so there’s none to tempt me anymore. No seriously, this new year, I am going to lose weight. I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it…is that cake? Lead me not into temptation. Oh who am I kidding? Follow me, I know a shortcut.

Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed. Information is the resolution of uncertainty. I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you. A funny thing happens when you start keeping promises to yourself. You become unstoppable. You also become unbelievably paranoid too. It’s a small side effect, like losing your sense of taste.

It is always during a passionate state of mind that we make lasting resolutions. As you sit there on the toilet seat, you make a promise to yourself to never attempt to finish a bucket of chicken all by yourself. Not only was it incredibly selfish of you, here you are on the verge of shitting your intestines out. Dieting is easy. It’s like riding a bike. And the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. And everything is on fire because you are in hell.

May all your troubles last as long as new year resolutions. My new year resolution is to complete the resolutions I set in 2020, that were actually from 2019, passed down from 2018, originally from 2017, actually set in 2016, that all began in 2015 but truly started in 2014. Although you can’t go back and make a brand new start, you can start from now and make a brand new ending.

The changes in our life must come from the impossibility to live otherwise than according to the demands of our conscience. Not from our mental resolution to try a new form of life. Personally, I have decided to cut down on being sarcastic. I solemnly swear to be sarcastic on days that begin with T like Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow. Sarcasm is just one more of the services I offer. Actually no, it’s all of it. I don’t so much break my resolutions as just forget what they are.

Always think of resolutions as casual promises to yourself that you are under no legal obligation to fulfill. Nothing lasts forever, well except regret. So live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, and take chances. Because at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted. Except for the times you accidentally put too much in the offering box. It’s never intentional to give the big man too much money he doesn’t even need.

Resolutions? Me? Just what are you implying? That I need to change? Well buddy, as far as I’m concerned, I’m perfect the way I am! A new year doesn’t come to change your life. It comes to remind you that one more year has gone and you’re still the same useless moron who thinks they can make their resolutions come through! Here’s to pretending that anything changes when the year does. At the end of the day, even if you win the rat race…

you’re still a rat