A wedding is a party, not a performance. If at the end of the day you are married to the one you love, then everything went perfectly. And though I have a personal vendetta against the institution of marriage, I would never turn down the opportunity of attending a wedding that promises premium drama. But seriously, what do they even mean by “till death do us part”? It’s almost as if you’re signing up to join the army, but slightly worse. At least in the army you get to actually shoot the enemy. You won’t go Scot-Free if you put one in your wife’s kneecap. Even though she deserves it.
The hotel. They say bad things happen in twos. Few hours at the hotel and the lights went out. Many thanks to our very benevolent government but also shame on the hotel for relying on them to provide us with electricity in the first place. it went south after that. How then can you explain that both backup generators were bad? “What do you mean you didn’t know they wouldn’t start,” I asked the hotel owner. At this point, I’m very livid and searching frantically for a 2 by 2 plank to hit the closest person to me. The brides’ brother was also beginning to lose his marbles, and rightly so. This was totally unacceptable. We needed a distraction.
So we visited the club. Now if there’s one pointless activity that people seem to enjoy, it’s clubbing. Between the loud music echoing in my stomach and the stench of smelly armpits, I have no idea which is worse. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a young lady taking puff after puff of what later would be explained to me as Shisha. Hookah smoke that you inhale can contain 36 times more tar than cigarette smoke. So each puff was equivalent to 36 cigarettes. Honey, do you have an extra pair of lungs at home?
Where are the groomsmen? We manage to get to the ceremony proper and it was time for the groom to be introduced but in typical unreliable fashion, the groomsmen were nowhere to be found. I pulled the MC to the side and calmly explained to him that fortunately or rather unfortunately for the groom, I was his only reasonable friend. The other miscreants were stuck at the hotel doing their best (which was not a lot) to make it down to the venue. Hangover? I think not. I mean the groom threw up a bit that morning but after a hot slap on the back from me, he was brand new and good to go.
Then came the time for the reception proper and there arose a burning question. Where is the chairman of the occasion? The chairman of the occasion was nowhere to be found. Actually he really couldn’t be arsed to show up on time. And that’s why you shouldn’t give old people important functions at a ceremony. Suppose say he made me chairman instead, would things not have been moving smoothly? That aside, not to be dramatic or anything but did we really need a chairman for the occasion? We could conveniently do without one but everyone was blinded by tradition so we waited instead.
The highlight of the ceremony was the vote of thanks from the groom. A normal human being would thank the guests for coming, wish them farewell and implore them to eat to their fill, but not this groom. This man sauntered up to the podium to tell his inlaws that this celebration was only the beginning. That in no distant time, they’d be back to celebrate again. Now all eyes were on the bride already. Aunty are you already pregnant because what is this speech? I’ve made a bet that they’d have at least twelve children. Or thirteen? She was smiling too sheepishly.
At the end of the day, love is not something you go out and look for. Love finds you, and when it does, ready or not, it’ll be the best thing ever to happen to you. For the couple, they are the best thing to happen to each other. I can’t exactly picture how either of their lives would go if they didn’t end up together. Unfortunately, the big man has his favorites and only a few get to experience this feeling. Personally, I have given up. For me, it’s work, work, and more work. There is no rest for me in this world.
Perhaps in the next
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