What is happiness? Happiness is knowing that you don’t have kids at home when you’re at the grocery store. You don’t have to get anything for anyone but yourself. It is ordering two Shawarmas’ and eating both because you live alone. Happiness is dialing someone’s number and hearing that the caller you’ve dialed is busy. That way you can argue that you tried to reach out. Happiness is borrowing money from a sibling with no intention of paying back, knowing that regardless of how things end, they won’t love you any less.
What are you known for? Most people see me as a storyteller with witty one-liners, but they couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m a prophet. And like the Simpsons and South Park writers, it is only a matter of time before my art becomes life. To ladies, unfortunately, due to their narrow-sightedness, I represent eye-candy. Something to look at and fantasize about. And I wouldn’t begrudge them, have you seen me? Hercules who? They say the big man doesn’t have favorites, but some of you really do look half-baked. With foreheads the size of a coconut.
Why are you here? I should be asking you! Two adults decided they needed an extra financial burden and without my consent, shipped me to earth. They didn’t even have the decency to cover my nakedness as I was enroute. I was sent here to annoy, inspire and be a general nuisance. To release my co-workers from the shackles of fear and give them a new lease of life. I was sent here to say the magic words, “nothing from me” in every zoom meeting. To be fair, a lot of those zoom meetings could have been an email. I was sent here to give a wry smile and say, ‘I told you so.’
How do you want to be remembered? To outdo Genghis Khan. As many as 40 million people were killed under his reign. Interesting that there’s an article on whether he was a Hero or a Villain. You see in this world we live in, we have three kinds of people; the good, the bad, and the very ugly. Now if not for flimsy things like fundamental human rights, why should ugly and bad people be given a right to life? If I could avert a suicide bombing in 2050 by wiping out an entire tribe of bad people today, would I be considered a hero? You ever see an ugly person and they just ruin your whole day? Yeah me too.
How do you want to go? I want to go at the ripe age of 93 to a head shot from a sniper. Picture this, I stroll out to my garden, breathe in the fresh air, in the background I hear my great-grand-kids playing. All is well with the world and then bang! Out of nowhere a bullet cracks open my skull and I drop in a heap. Why? Well, who wants a boring funeral? So many talking points. Who wanted me dead? Why did they wait for me to turn 93? I have lived curiously, it’s only fair I leave behind more questions than answers.
The afterlife? After going through the chaos that is life, I’m really hoping there’s nothing on the other side. I’ve been through enough, I just need to rest. The options are so polarizing, on the one hand, I’m supposed to enjoy singing eternally. My voice isn’t great, listening to it over and over will make me suicidal. On the other hand, it’s endless partying with Micheal Jackson, Prince, and the Beatles. The only downside is that you don’t get to drink water after dancing your heart out. Plus Satan is very mischievous.
Advice for the younger generation? My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. Ask for money, get advice. Ask for advice, get money trice. Make sure you enjoy each moment. Life is an aggregation of all those moments put together. I see the future but live for the moment. Makes sense, doesn’t it? I’ve lost a lot and learned a lot, but I’m still undefeated. Most importantly, get over your fears. According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking, number two is death. Death is number two.
Does that seem right?
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