How To Pick The Perfect Partner

~ Gottfried

I’ve been married six years today, and if there’s anything marriage has taught me, it’s that I should have stayed single. Why the hell is this woman crying in her sleep? On our wedding night, her dad had called me aside and warned that she could be a bit of a cry baby, I had no idea he meant literally. Here’s a tip, she’s the wrong partner if her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. The perfect partner will be content with just pearls.

Imperfectly perfect. The perfect partner is boring. You’ll find yourself constantly apologizing because they’d be right all the time. Everyone would look at you and say, “oh your life must be so great”, but in truth, your life really isn’t. It’s a nightmare. You’re going through emotional and mental torture. The only way out is to accept defeat. So you walk around head up like you’ve just hit the jackpot. Yes indeed, you bagged the prize everyone else wanted.

Can’t drive, can’t wife. If you want him to go to your stupid double-date with your best-friend and her husband, better be prepared to drive to and fro. Wishful thinking. I know I’ll end up driving, but it wouldn’t kill her to at least offer to every now and then. Or at least bribe me with kisses. A man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. No surprises we never make it to the date night.

No finance, no romance. If you can’t at the very least match her current level of comfort, don’t do it. Don’t believe the tales of Cinderella. Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look, especially at his finances. Poverty doesn’t choose you, you choose poverty. The perfect partner adds meaning to your life and yet, she subtracts some cash from your wallet. I don’t make the rules.

Kidnapped. If you prank call your significant other about being kidnapped and they fall for it, they’re not the one for you. If she starts laughing instead, wife her up immediately. She’s a real one. Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping. But you catch my drift?

Growth. If your partner outgrows you, be genuinely happy for them, because it means that they’ve learnt everything that they need to learn from connecting with you. Healthy endings and beginnings. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be sad that the relationship has come to an end, be glad that it happened in the first place. Then go find somewhere quiet and cry your eyes out you little shit.

Finding the perfect partner is like searching for dinosaurs in the 21st century. There are only a few of them scattered around. Myself and three others. Nobody is truly yours, it’s just your turn. For a reason, or season, who knows how long for. But it’s your turn, so do your best to make them happy and keep it goin’. You know you’ve got a real one when they always want to know how your day went…

in detail, until it starts to piss you off

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved

370 thoughts on “How To Pick The Perfect Partner”

      1. Yes, I guess that’s the point. Not sure it’s all that funny because as is often the case with you we can’t tell if you are just messing with us, it’s all made up, whether you are a cavalier jerk, or whether we should feel sorry for you because things are going to hell and you can’t even negotiate your own feelings. So your readers are just out here treading water. Maybe some things aren’t that funny.

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