How To Pick The Perfect Partner

~ Gottfried

I’ve been married six years today, and if there’s anything marriage has taught me, it’s that I should have stayed single. Why the hell is this woman crying in her sleep? On our wedding night, her dad had called me aside and warned that she could be a bit of a cry baby, I had no idea he meant literally. Here’s a tip, she’s the wrong partner if her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. The perfect partner will be content with just pearls.

Imperfectly perfect. The perfect partner is boring. You’ll find yourself constantly apologizing because they’d be right all the time. Everyone would look at you and say, “oh your life must be so great”, but in truth, your life really isn’t. It’s a nightmare. You’re going through emotional and mental torture. The only way out is to accept defeat. So you walk around head up like you’ve just hit the jackpot. Yes indeed, you bagged the prize everyone else wanted.

Can’t drive, can’t wife. If you want him to go to your stupid double-date with your best-friend and her husband, better be prepared to drive to and fro. Wishful thinking. I know I’ll end up driving, but it wouldn’t kill her to at least offer to every now and then. Or at least bribe me with kisses. A man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. No surprises we never make it to the date night.

No finance, no romance. If you can’t at the very least match her current level of comfort, don’t do it. Don’t believe the tales of Cinderella. Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look, especially at his finances. Poverty doesn’t choose you, you choose poverty. The perfect partner adds meaning to your life and yet, she subtracts some cash from your wallet. I don’t make the rules.

Kidnapped. If you prank call your significant other about being kidnapped and they fall for it, they’re not the one for you. If she starts laughing instead, wife her up immediately. She’s a real one. Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them all to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping. But you catch my drift?

Growth. If your partner outgrows you, be genuinely happy for them, because it means that they’ve learnt everything that they need to learn from connecting with you. Healthy endings and beginnings. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be sad that the relationship has come to an end, be glad that it happened in the first place. Then go find somewhere quiet and cry your eyes out you little shit.

Finding the perfect partner is like searching for dinosaurs in the 21st century. There are only a few of them scattered around. Myself and three others. Nobody is truly yours, it’s just your turn. For a reason, or season, who knows how long for. But it’s your turn, so do your best to make them happy and keep it goin’. You know you’ve got a real one when they always want to know how your day went…

in detail, until it starts to piss you off

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved

370 thoughts on “How To Pick The Perfect Partner”

  2. Pingback: How To Pick The Perfect Partner – 9jaflows

  4. Wonderful message for the young guns, marriage ceremony where two hearts are adjusting with each other to live a happy life.
    Problem starts when one of the partner is not is religiously adjusting with the other.
    One has to take care for another otherwise marriage becomes burden. Both have to take some constructive innovative ideas enjoy the life to the best possible limits.

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  6. Bon anniversare, PhiloSage, if it’s your 6th for real. You’ve done a great job making it difficult to know when it’s real or just banter.
    Only hope she’s not reading knowing you wished you had stayed single.

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      1. Lol….
        Laugh while your teeth are still complete.

        Na so e dey start…. You will be hearing, ooh don’t you see the way my friend’s babe look at her. You don’t look at me like that. et al.

        You are welcome 😁

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