How To Love Truly

My love for you is like a fart that can’t be contained. It’s like a copied assignment, I can’t explain it. Bursting out aloud in all its glory and fragrance. To be loved is to be a pineapple. Stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside. Yes, I have a dirty mind and right now you’re running through it naked. God have mercy on all our souls.

What does love really mean? Love means having to say sorry every fifteen minutes. Which is why I wake up early to give myself a head start. Yeah honey, before you woke I already said sorry out loud to the door two hundred and ninety times. Don’t use them up before I get back from the bathroom, okay?

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. A blind man and a deaf girl? Match made in heaven. You see, I fell in love with the lady of my dreams, that’s why I keep trying to go back to sleep but they wouldn’t let me. Reality is often disappointing, so why bother loving? In the end, everyone dies and it’s such a waste.

Ladies are like telephones. They love to be held and talked to. But if you press the wrong button, you’ll be disconnected. That’s why I have two phones, to always stay connected when one starts acting up. A real life hack is to ditch phones altogether and stay off the grid. You’ll live a long, healthy, stress free life. Except for the odd days when you’ll be out of you mind.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Some people seem to forget the second part. You see, love is the only kind of fire that’s not covered by insurance. You will bear the entire cost, so be careful now. Indeed I’ve always wondered. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Whatever happened to petticoats? I used to love those.

If you want to love truly, don’t text. Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean. It doesn’t help that the younger generation simply cannot read. Once it’s really important, you gotta say it over the phone. Or write a letter and send it through a Raven. If it’s unimportant stuff like asking for her hand in marriage, you should absolutely send that via text. Women love you downloading the biggest moments of their lives.

Love is like a fire. But whether it’s going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. Love is the seventh sense that destroys all the six senses and makes the person nonsense. Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It’s an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept a person exactly the way they are. Right here and now. Which is hard, because some people are broken. Love is grand.

Divorce is a hundred grand.

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