The Ridiculousness Of Marriage

July 26, 2021August 8, 2021 ~ Gottfried

Skydiving. Conventional wisdom goes that around 50% of marriages end in divorce and many people believe that divorce rates have increased in recent years. Now if about three out of four marriages fail, why the heck are people still getting married? If you went skydiving and the instructor told you that three out of the four parachutes wouldn’t work, would you still make the jump out of the chopper? See what I mean? Going ahead to jump out of the helicopter is exactly what getting married looks like.

Good, bad and ugly. Now we have these three classes of people in the world. And we could look at it from two angles; beauty and character. Now the chances of being good looking with a great character are one in six. So if you expand it to two people with great faces and attitudes getting together, the probability only shrinks further. Ask yourself, what business do ugly people have with procreating? And don’t come at me with the “everyone is beautiful in their own way” You look at some people and you gotta confess that they have a face even a mother cannot love.

Raising kids. Take a long hard look at yourself, did you turn out right? What gave you the confidence that you could raise a kid of your own? You’re having a ridiculously hard time taking care of yourself and not only do you want to add to that responsibility, you want a kid too? I feel that everyone should be asked to take care of a pet; dog, cat, mice, dragon…for a year or two before they’re given a marriage certificate. By the time you starve your dog for two weeks – because you travelled and forgot you even had a dog – then we can talk.

Note of finality. Till death do us part? How awful! I can’t even get a breather? I mean, in your work life you can get to retire right? You can’t even retire from marriage. In the army you get medals. Not only is there nothing to look forward to, there’s also no end in sight. I think the death caveat was added majorly because of women. Men won’t sign a death contract under any other circumstances. So I love you and to prove that I’m serious, I have to put a huge rock on your finger, play dressup and do a blood covenant? Definitely seems like too much considering someone is still going to cheat.

Divorce. Marriage is grand, divorce is a hundred grand. The very nature of marriage means saying yes before you know what it will cost. Though you may say the “I do” of the wedding ritual in all sincerity, it is the testing of that vow that makes you married. Which really makes you think, why should you put yourself in a position where your loyalty is constantly tested? Your expenses go through the roof, and she still somehow gets to keep half of the good stuff? In truth, marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid on the foundation of more divorce fees than any other short sentence in english language.

The cost of weddings. Marriage is the most expensive ticket to nowhere. Better to catch flights not feelings. If your wedding costs more than $180, you’re defintely doing it wrong. Go cheap or go home. Just reheat the lasagna. Everyone gets a helping and you set off fireworks and take a few photos afterward. No need to pay the priest, it’ll be over before he knows it. At least the divorce is less expensive than the wedding. I still don’t understand why married men keep working hard. Choose laziness. Do better.

How precious. I think that some people treat marriage as they would a marathon or another endurance sport—the most important thing, to their minds, is to cross the finish line. The couples who stay married the longest? They “win”. What is discounted entirely is the enjoyment they derive from being married for a lifetime, if little or any. The problem with women is that they get excited about nothing…and then marry him. My sweet precious, you don’t love me. You love love, and the idea of me. A fugazi.

Snap out of the foolishness