How To Not Get Robbed

Don’t travel with animals. Going home for Christmas and dad decides it’s a great idea to carry a hen in the trunk. Before long, the hen jumps out of the box onto the back seat, so we pull up because everyone at the back is uncomfortable. As Dad makes his way to the back to put the hen back in the cut-out box, I notice two men in overalls cross to where we’re parked. They start moving quickly towards the car, one with an arm tucked into his overall. I quickly raise alarm, dad sprints back to the drivers seat, puts the car into gear and speeds off. We escape!

Listen. I’m in public transport and we’re on the highway. We drive for a bit only to suddenly see vehicles reverse and wave frantically at us to do same. For reasons best known to the driver of my bus, we keep going. Before long, we hear gunshots, bullets flying in every direction. Everyone starts screaming and scampering for cover. Driver puts the car in reverse, drives down the road a bit, parks, opens only his door and disappears into the bushes. I dive through the window and keep running until I’m out of breath. Wondering to myself, ‘Why didn’t he listen?’

Avoid taxes. When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, its taxation. Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery. Then there’s inflation. Inflation is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber and as deadly as a hit man. In the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organized robbery? If you think about it deeply, the government is robbing us all. And somehow they’ve made us conclude it’s normal.

Have nothing. A man who has nothing can whistle in a robbers face. Thieves broke into my house the other day to search for money, I laughed and joined them. One of them got pissed off and told me it wasn’t a laughing matter (It was). He threatened that if I didn’t comply, he’d blow my brains out. In disbelief, I asked if he had a gun. He pulled what looked like a chocolate bar and pointed it at me. I started laughing hysterically. Even if he shot me ten times with that thing, I’d have still survived.

Bury your money. Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank, and he can rob the world. Bank robbery is an initiative of amateurs, true professionals establish a bank. Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. Now they have to start checking marked sites to dig up the millions you’ve buried. Treasure hunt, Pablo Escobar edition.

Self medicate. A robber demands your wallet or your life. The doctor takes both the wallet and the life. Explain why oxygen is sold in hospitals? The entire purpose of Big Pharma is to rob you of all your hard earned money. You can haggle for any other product except drugs. Doctor says your total is $780, and you can’t look him dead in the eye and say, “Won’t you take $674?” This is why I only take herbs and fruits. If I get a leg break, I just drink more beetroot juice and it gets fixed.

Observe. Great robbers always resemble honest folk. Fellows who have rascally faces have only one course to take, and that is to remain honest; otherwise they will be arrested off-hand. Jerry learnt this the hard way. In a closed society where everybody’s guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity. If you hear someone trying to break into your house, your best bet is to feed their imagination and tap into their worst nightmares.

Dress up as a ghost

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