Good Madness

When you get angry, count to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that. Sharks are not so bad. If a stranger came into my house only wearing a bathing suit, I’d probably get angry and bite them too. Just because you’re allowed to be angry doesn’t mean you have to take it. But if you’ve been starved of the opportunity, when it does come, grab it with both hands and smash it on the floor.

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity. Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. I hate that I cry when I’m frustrated because people think I’m hurt, when I’m just trying not to kill them. If you ever see me crying, please keep a safe distance. For your safety. I’m just special! No, wait maybe I am crazy. Hmmm. One second. I need to talk to myself about this. Hold on.

At this point, I believe some people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills. Some days, I pass in flying colours. But today, I’m going to fail honourably, you annoying piece of shit. Sometimes you just have to be done. Not mad, not upset. Just done. Then there’s that awkward moment when I fail at being mad at someone because they made me laugh. This is why the only way to stay mad is to not speak to/see them until you’re ready to let go.

It’s never any fun being normal. And besides, all the best people are batshit crazy. The thing about my wife is that she’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage. If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is (lie if you have to). If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw a cookie at her. A woman’s anger is like her drinking poison and expecting you to die. Those crazy lots need to be stopped.

Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you. I know that for some forgiving is very easy but that’s also why the people in your life get away with anything, including murder. Sometimes you have to ignore them for a few hours. To make your point. Even though deep down, we all know that the best apology is changed behaviour. Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said. I couldn’t have found a better moment, and yes you’re a gigantic pain in my arse.

No one heals himself by wounding another. But if we both end up in the hospital it would feel more like justice has been served. The teacher that beat up my kid at school would deservedly get what’s coming to him. Might not heal my kid faster, but I’m no doctor and I needed to do something in the meantime. Before you marry a person, you should make them use a laptop with slow internet to see who they really are.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand. Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. On the bright side, it will be a bloody good speech. I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say “now you’re Super Mad” If they laugh…

marry them

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