Heartbreak Anniversary

For every girl with a broken heart, there’s a boy with a glue gun. The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines. If you smile at me too long I’m going to propose marriage to you. And if you accept only to leave me hanging at the altar, I’ll cherish you forever.

Heartbreak builds character. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Scratch that. If good things start falling apart, it’s simply a sign of things to come. You know what they say about bad things? They come in threes. The week you break up with me, you’ll lose your job, your pet and you’ll get scammed. I’m just saying, for your own safety, don’t break up with me.

After you, hell should be easy. You already put me through hell a couple of times. Kids, understand that marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and a person who never forgets them. Life is ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and someone’s absence to truly value their presence. Hell isn’t really that bad.

Love is only made more valuable at the risk of heartbreak. It’s the fear of heartbreak that makes you love harder and that’s your fault really. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. By then it was too late. I tried to send her back but the manufacturers insisted that I had broken the seal and they won’t replace her. Honestly, even if they did, I couldn’t afford the shipping, I just wanted a refund.

You find out what you’re made of when you have a broken heart. If it happens early and often, all the better. After a breakup, the loyal one stays single and deals with the damages until healed. The other one is already in another relationship. Listen, you should at least give it a few business days, allow the heartbreak marinate. In the end though, both are still miserable, one for a little longer than the other.

Only time can heal your broken heart. Just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs. Not to advocate violence but how else would he realize that you’re heartbroken if you don’t saw his leg in half? A good woman will stay by your side no matter how much you lie, cheat or steal. That woman is your mother. Ladies these days opt out at the slightest inconvenience. Peasants.

No matter how hard your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. To put that in plain English, we simply do not give a hoot whether or not you’re bawling in the middle of the street. Heartbreak is like drowning. You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning, do you? Finally, if your heart was really broken, you’d be dead.

so shut up

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