Why We Hate Christmas

~ Gottfried

Christmas is a competition between who gives up first, your feet or your wallet. I’m only a morning person on December 25. It’s the only day you don’t have to worry about getting a mail from your line manager. If you get work mails during the holidays then you’re a slave. The office christmas party is so unnecessary, it gives you the opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen in the past twenty minutes. Here’s an idea, instead of wasting all that money, just add it to our bonuses for the month. We don’t fancy our colleagues that much.

Santa Claus has the right idea, visit people only once a year. Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year. Okay, most of the time. Once in a while. Nevermind, I’ll buy my own presents. This year my advice for you is to mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for christmas. Also, avoid drinking too much at the office christmas party by drinking too much before the office christmas party. Just so we’re clear, the grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

O come all ye faithful. Well, there goes 85% percent of the population. The best way to spread christmas cheer is to sing loudly for all to hear. If your voice is not being heard at the city center, you’re not doing it right. Are we forgetting the full meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. The main reason why Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. This Christmas instead of giving gifts, I’m giving everyone my opinions.

I’m the reason Santa has a naughty list. And it’s not because I did anything wrong, I just think he hates me and might be lowkey racist. I’ve never seen him visit black families. All they get is Father Christmas, who is Santa’s evil twin brother. Christmas is the time you get homesick, even when you’re home. Home just doesn’t feel like home anymore because you no longer believe in the pagan holiday but you’re forced by society to participate in the festivities.

I once bought my niece a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included’ Their mom didn’t appreciate my thoughtful gift. Christmas is so much worse as you get older. It’s like “What do you want this year?” I don’t know. Financial security? A career? A back that doesn’t ache? A sense of purpose. Heck, a nap would be nice. I’ll take that. I once wanted to be an atheist, I abandoned the cause when I realized they have no holidays.

I never get gifts for christmas. Hamper baskets don’t count, they’re just you doing grocery shopping for me and giftwrapping it. The worst gift is a fruitcake. I’m convinced there is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. So if you get a fruitcake this christmas, don’t eat it, re-gift it. There’s nothing sadder in the world than to awake christmas morning and not be a child. The joy of christmas lies in your youth.

Here’s a holiday shopping tip for you. To save money, buy all your presents from the “It’s the thought that counts” department. You’ll be surprised at all the “this should do” items you can find. No matter how old you are, an empty christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with. It is nothing short of therapeutic. My dearest Delilah, in this season of love, I want you to know that all I want for Christmas is you.

I’m joking. Send me money.

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved

304 thoughts on “Why We Hate Christmas”

  1. I did what you asked and sent you money. I hope the Post didn’t lose it, but if it did, well, it’s the thought that counts. And hey! I won a hamper of Sicilian goodies and I’m not even Italian but I’m spending Christmas with Italian friends. So, how serendipitous was that? Where’s the catch?

    Reply

    1. Haha, if the money didn’t get missing you probably didn’t send it by post.

      Everyone seems to having a better Christmas than me, maybe it has something to do with how well you’re taking it 😅

      Reply

  2. I love Christmas, I love lighting up the house, I love singing songs and gathering with friends having a bonfire. I’ve never gotten a Christmas gift, never expected one and needed one but I love the sarcasm dipping in your words. 👌😅

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  4. Well a great big Bah Humbug to you too. don’t go to the office party go to the bar The people like you better. I love the holidays It brings out more idiocy for me to make fun of. think about that little Ho Ho Ho
    ;;
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    Holly Jolly Laughter

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          1. Mine actually helped me when i was down financially, not every pastor does that.So just grouping every pastor there for me it becomes stereotyping.
            My testimony is there still good Pastors outthere believe me!

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            1. You didn’t have money so there was nothing to collect 😂😂

              Just joking. I know they’re not all the same. But there are professions that can’t allow for bad eggs.

              Surgeons, police and pastors

              Reply

  6. Nice gift of batteries. You haven’t met my niece. She would destroy you. And here in the Bajío of central Mexico, they’ve apparently uncovered a hidden passage in the Bible that says Christmas should be celebrated for several weeks with fireworks that sound like cannons at 3 am.

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  8. I can’t decide what I enjoyed more, this post or the comments. 🤔 😅 I will think more about it as I am bonking a drunk coworker on the head with a empty wrapping paper tube.🤣🤣

    Reply

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