Parenting

Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee. Once you hit four children, you become a Principal. Having kids is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything is broken and there’s a lot of throwing up going on at regular intervals. It’s no wonder fathers lose their hair quickly or go grey. Mothers on the other hand do just fine. If anything, they start to glow. Something is not adding up. Was I tricked?

My kid is turning out just like me. Well played karma. Well played. I don’t get parents that get scared of their kids becoming exactly like them. What have you been doing? Are you a serial killer or something? Plus it’s all encoded in their DNA, what were you expecting? Albert Einstein? You have several carryovers in school but your son failing creche is where you draw the line? He’s a chip off the old block. You should be proud. Celebrate grace.

Parenthood is the scariest hood you’ll ever go through. Children are very wise in a funny way. They haven’t developed so many vested interests of self. There is a wisdom, a lack of self-consciousness, that is innocence. Before I got married, I had three theories about raising children and no children. Now I have three children and no theories. I’m convinced that all parents make shit up as they go along. Those who try to use a manual end up with meth addicts.

Ninety percent of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again. The funny thing about kids is they’re the reason we lose it. And they are the reason we hold it together. Was going to spank my three-year-old the other day for emptying a sack of flour onto the kitchen floor. She looked me dead in the eye and told me she loved me with her heart, body, soul and brain. It was the brain that did it for me.

My kids call it yelling when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for a selective listener. I appreciate parents going through the pains to calmly explain things to their kids but I’ll be honest with you, yelling is a lot faster. Plus if you time it right you only have to yell four times a day. Also, if your kid is a runner, you might want to get a leash and some handcuffs. I’ve been building a mini jail for my son, hopefully, it’s completed soon. Teach him both sides of the law.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. I’m not naturally very patient so devised several means of getting them to act right. I know it’s unchristian because I have to lie, a lot. But it’s for their own good. Unfortunately, children are great imitators. Now if you don’t give them something great to imitate, you might have a big problem on your hands. Needless to say, I am raising some of the finest lawyers, sorry liars, this country has ever seen. Primed ready for congress!

Everyone knows how to raise children except the people who have them. Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow. I really wish I took some of my own advice, but this holiday is not going to take itself. My kids are always threatening to run away from home. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Folks, I don’t trust children.

They’re here to replace us

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