Cooking

My favorite thing to make for dinner is reservations. Who would have thought that boiling eggs and making pap would be so difficult. Making pap is the same as “fighting until you see the light at the end of the tunnel.” You never know if you’ve gotten it right until the end. There’s a key ingredient in making pap that no one tells you about, it’s called Grace.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “well that’s not gonna happen!” Cooking is such a high-effort, low-reward activity. By the time you’re done, the appetite and will to live would have deserted you. 2/10 do not recommend. Now starving on the other hand is a lot more exciting. You start to hear voices and see visions. 10/10 I recommend.

Homemade with love. In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it. This is up there as my greatest fear. I’m afraid I’ve been eating some cooks sweat and what’s worse is that the sweat is what makes the food delicious. My cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarm cheers me on. Find me a better cook that can introduce black smoke into any kitchen at will. I’ll wait! I’ve discovered the joy of cooking, it’s when my wife does it.

The worst part about cooking is cleaning. Cooking is the lesser of the two evils. And it’s sad because cooking is incomplete until you clean the kitchen after showing your culinary skills. I’d pay good money to anyone to clean up the mess I make after cooking. It’s quite simply exhausting. The reason all your meals taste the way they do is because you start cooking when you’re already hungry. The key to being a good cook is to cook with a full stomach.

Men are the best cooks. Because with two eggs, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl’s tummy for nine months. You might want to think twice before getting a man that “can cook.” Personally, I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. I just wish my microwave could explain why my plate ends up so hot but the food remains cold. It’s ridiculous at this point. You’re heating up the wrong thing for Pete’s sake!

Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Children belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. The kitchen has food. My mother’s menu consisted of two very choices. Take it or Leave it. I didn’t enjoy starving but there were days when I left it. I ended up dreaming about food. There are three ways to my heart these days. Buy me food. Make me food. Be food. Now do with this information what you will.

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food. Ladies, God won’t send you a husband until you learn how to cook. So about that guy you’re currently seeing, yeah dump him. I don’t measure a thing when I cook. I just sprinkle and add stuff until I hear the spirit of my ancestors whisper “that’s enough child.” Upside of making food, food. Con? Making it. One day…

I’m gonna make the onions cry