The Joys of Motherhood

Moms stay up all night overthinking about their children. A job nobody asked them to do but they brought it upon themselves anyways. What’s worse is that moms get upset that we don’t appreciate the fact that they do this. Like it is somehow our fault. And you know they mean well, they’re just going about it in the most sentimental guilt-edged way possible.

Moms used to have functioning brain cells, but they traded them for children. I know a few who would rather have their brain cells back, but unfortunately it’s too late. The good news is that they get special super powers after having kids. Only moms know which way to slice a sandwich so the flavor doesn’t leak out.

Motherhood is an experiment on how long your body can function without adequate sleep or nourishment and fueled only on adrenaline, caffeine and baby smiles. You watch them in the labor room and you think maybe they’ll learn a lesson or two, but before long they’re back again sometimes three or four times. Mothers are to babies what crack is to addicts. Inseparable.

A good mom is a myth. Because a good mom has bad days and great days. And perfect days. And trying days. And Supermom days. And just being a mom days. And murderous days. And a whole lot of love days. And smother the kids until they can barely breathe days. And batshit crazy motherhood days. If you ever breakdown in tears wondering if you’re doing enough for your kids, you probably are. If you can’t cry, you’re not mom. You’re a correctional officer.

Being a mom means having to choose between eating, showering or sleeping. You can’t do all three in one day. And since we’re not encouraging dirty behavior, I’m afraid you might lose some sleep during the day. It’s all for the greater good. Working mothers are guinea pigs in the scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Every once in a while if you catch your mom just staring at you, be very careful about what you do next. Because she’s plotting. When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that when you eventually come home after a long day, someone in the house is happy to see you.

Everything I learned, I know from my mom. Religion. Pray that when I get back, I’m in a better mood. Logic. Because I said so, that’s why. Irony. Keep crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. Receiving. You’re going to get it when you get home. Medical science. If you keep pressing your phone, you’ll fall sick. Stamina. You sit there and finish your food or else! The biggest joy of motherhood remains watching your kids grow…

to look exactly like their dad. They don’t even get your nose or something