Murderous

Don’t judge me because I’m quiet. No one plans a murder out loud. I may look calm, but in my head I’ve killed you three times. Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. Marriage is sharing a home with a person most likely to murder you.

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs. Murder is always a mistake. You should never do anything you can’t talk about after dinner. Good friends will mourn your death. Best friends will come and clear your browser history immediately after you die.

It’s only murder if they find the body, otherwise it’s a missing person. Just a thought. I choose sarcasm because murder charges are expensive. For a marriage to be successful, both parties must have entertained the thought of killing each other at least once. True love is violent and unforgiving.

At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual. The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything into perspective. If you’re having difficulty concentrating, focus the little energy you have into placing your name on death row.

The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.9% of them are made by people who are still alive. How can the dead truly be dead when they still live in the souls of those who are left behind? If you really deep in, we are all the walking dead. Zombies eat brains. Don’t worry, you’re safe.

Reasons I haven’t committed murder today. Number one I don’t want to go to prison. Number two…actually that’s all I’ve got. I feel a spree coming on. It’s either a shopping one or a killing one. The choice is totally up to you. Be happy in front of your haters. It kills them slowly.

That cold ain’t the weather. There’s death approaching. Kill them with kindness. If someone makes you angry take a deep breath, count to ten, and kill him immediately. When a woman starts laughing during an argument, she has flipped her psycho switch and she’s about to murder you. Don’t run.

You’re not a coward

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved