Calling

~ Gottfried

I hate it when people text “Call me.” I’m going to start calling people and as soon as they pick up, I’ll say “Text Me” and hang up. Have you ever wondered why your phone is at it’s busiest when it’s on silent? Phone on silent = 10 missed calls and 15 new messages. Turn volume to the loudest and stare at the phone all day = nobody calls.

I hate awkward silences over the phone, it’s the reason I don’t like to talk on the phone. Why would you call me without having a template for the conversation you intend for us to have? Funniest thing is when a strange number calls me on the phone and doesn’t say a word. Welcome to the breathing competition my friend. May the best swimmer win.

The worst part of getting a phone call is the twelve seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing. At 3am, you look down at your phone at your phone and it’s ringing. Why? I’m not a fireman! You pick and the person goes, “Are you asleep?” To which you respond with, “No, I’m skydiving.”

What’s happening with your phone? Every time I call you it says, ‘The subscriber you’re calling is a Monkey, please contact the Zoo.’ The first thing I do when an unknown number calls? I answer the call by saying, “South state mortuary, how can I help you?” Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did someone else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don’t you let them?

I’m sorry for not answering your call on my phone. I don’t use it for that. The telephone is a hundred-year old technology. It’s time for a change. Charging for phone calls is something you did last century. Calls should be free. The best feeling is when you work in a call center and the customer you’re helping just gets it because they also work in a call center.

Every phone call could have been an email. “Hi Gottfried, my mom died. Kind Regards” Emails get reactions, Phone calls start conversations. Conversations like who edited the homepage content of the company website and why was it you Gottfried? At least if you asked via email, I’d be under less pressure and it’ll give me enough time to come up with a well-crafted lie to get myself off the hook.

If pooping is a call of nature, does that mean farting is a missed call? A booty call is a shout from the bathroom letting you know it’s time to wipe someone’s butt. If we can’t solve it via email, Instant Messaging, texting, faxing, or phone calls, let’s resort to meeting in person. I thought talk was cheap…

until I saw my telephone bill

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved

158 thoughts on “Calling”

  6. If you really want to annoy someone (especially if it’s a guy with a hot wife) when they call you at 3 AM and ask, “Are you asleep,” pretend you’re winded from strenuous exercise and say, “No, I’m with your wife.”

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