I’ve decided that my 2023 will start on February 1st. January is a free trial month. January is the Monday of months. January might be up there as the worst month. You’re fat and broke from the holidays and nobody takes you seriously when you try to borrow money because you still look healthy and round.
Don’t spend any money until January 31st. There will be approximately 74 days in January alone. I’ve had a vision about how this year pans out and I must warn you, it ain’t pretty. You have to be careful with money this year. Those who know understand exactly what I’m talking about.
Don’t pay for that gym membership. If I owned a gym, I’ll be going all out on my marketing. Everyone with a fake new year resolution will be attempting to get in shape. Offer them a yearly discount and it won’t matter because they’ll be gone by the second week of January. Stay fat, keep your money, you’ll be needing it.
Forget about becoming a better person. Remember last year your resolution was to have a bit of consistency? Well, this is your chance to do so. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person. There will be times this year when being evil will pay off. You’ll look back at this moment and thank me. You’re welcome.
Embrace procrastination. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. So stop trying to be a hard worker. The only reward for hard work is more work. Last year, my New Year’s resolution was to stop procrastinating. I will revisit it this year but I am not starting until next week.
Live your lie. This year my New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making any lifestyle changes. I also wish that everyone gets exactly what they deserve. If you feel attacked reading that sentence then maybe you need to review how you live your life. I was also going to attempt to stop being sarcastic, but dammit, I’m no quitter.
Be a pessimistic optimist. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. As an optimistic pessimist, I was half asleep the entire time. I woke up to fireworks. As the year progresses, hope for the best, but still expect the worst. Enjoy the highs, but always remember that when you get to rock bottom…
It might have a basement
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