Taking a Dump

Watching me while a poop is a special kind of intimacy and a healthy bond that should exist between partners. Farting around each other is the key to spicing up your relationship. One whiff of her fart and you’re ready to redo your vows. Helps with communication too.

I eat poop when no one is looking. It’s the best way to find out what’s really wrong with you. Sometimes it’s not just the diarrhea. The next time you have a runny stomach and you can’t quite place what is really wrong, reach in there, take a handful and shove into your mouth. Wash it down with coke.

Photo dump. Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go round to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither. Stop it.

For centuries, dogs have been taken a dump on humans. If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think dogs are the leaders of this planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Everybody looks at their poop before flushing. A great many nights I’m up thinking to myself, how do blind people know they’re done cleaning up after pooping? Sometimes on the journey, you step in dog poop. But you don’t let the whole journey be about the fact that your shoe got poop on it.

When Johnny Depp said he found poop all over his bed, I got embarrassed, thinking my dog had broken into his house and used his sheets like a garden. But boy was I relieved when he placed the blame on Amber Heard, where it properly belongs. At the end of the day, Life is nothing but poop.

So eat lots of beans….and prunes

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