Coping with Disaster

Everything that happens is meant to be. It’s meant to happen like that. You, scrolling with your thumb as you read this. But sometimes you don’t know at the time that it’s meant to be a disaster. In all natural disasters through time, man needs to attach meaning to tragedy, no matter how random and inexplicable the event is.

In the event of a natural disaster, I have strategically placed rum in various locations. Frankly, I don’t need the threat of impending natural disaster to stock up on liquor. It’s impossible to panic when you’re drunk to stupor. When the disaster sees you, it will shudder. The women will drink while the men sit and think of a way out.

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don’t let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months. Some people don’t like change, but you need to embrace change if the alternative is disaster. As an optimist, I figure that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster. It’s more like a CHA-CHA.

Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is always a bad idea. I’ll see your hot mess and I’ll raise you a walking disaster. The thing with overconfidence is, this is going to be a disaster. And when the chips are down, you’re not going to have anyone else to blame by yourself. I’m not a hot mess, I’m a spicy disaster.

Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist. Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. A true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him. And I’m not referring to just his bum. I don’t just flirt with disaster, I give it an orgasm.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. You can handle just about anything that comes at you on the road with a believable grin, common sense and whisky. Don’t buy into campaigns against drinking and driving. It’s a ploy to limit your potential. Drinking and driving allows you see things with your third eye.

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